10 Ways to Make Thanksgiving Sexier

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Although history tells us the pilgrims came to this country to escape religious persecution and rapid Wal-Mart expansion, that’s pure BS. They came here for the crazy sex, mind altering substances and crazy sex. But especially the crazy sex. So by celebrating Thanksgiving in the most libidinous manner possible, you’re not only doing your loins a favor, you’re doing things the way our forefathers intended. Hell, I’ll even put one of those l’il pilgrim hats on my cock if it helps enhance the mood for any ladies who take a seat at my Thanksgiving table. Which, of course, means my face.

Anyway, to help keep you focused on what’s really important, we respectfully submit the following tips to make the Sexiest Thanksgiving Ever. As if a holiday that encourages widespread use of basters and stuffing needs any help.

10. Strategically arrange seating to ensure you’re next to the hottest person at the table. Whether it’s your brother’s roommate joining the fam for the holidays or that adopted cousin in the festive holiday microskirt, chow time offers precious time for you to work toward “closing the deal.”

9. Instead of the annual turkey trot 5k, may we suggest a horizontal mini-marathon to work up a solid appetite. Also, it’s good to be armed to the teeth with serotonin when preparing for dysfunctional family reunions.

8. Offer up the last crescent roll. This is a class move. Even better if accompanied by a wink and a heartfelt, “This has got to be worth at least one blow job, right?”

7. Pre-meal sex on the dinner table. Because nothing’s hotter than knowing that just a few hours ago, your junk was resting in the spot now occupied by Aunt Lou’s dentures.

6. Roleplaying as pilgrims and native Americans is so five minutes ago, not to mention vaguely racist. Stick to safer choices like NFL player and referee, or disgruntled Walmart worker and greedy corporate one-percenter who authorized the store opening on Thanksgiving Day. Let the games begin!

5. If you’re flying on one of the worst travel days of the year, pray for a hot flight attendant and a free bathroom, but understand that you’re going to get a screaming baby and a crew straight out of Les Mis (and I mean the extras, not Hugh Jackman.)

4. Remember that Thanksgiving is best celebrated in Las Vegas, a strip club, or outside the country. Something to think about next time you’re paying for extra therapy sessions.

3. As you leave the table, loudly proclaim, “Man, I’ve got to unbutton these pants.” Completely remove trousers. Lie spread-eagle on the carpet. Cue up Chris Brown’s “Fine China.” Start gyrating until eventually breaking down in unsettling man-tears.

2. No sex after dinner. No one, I don’t care who you are, NO ONE is in the mood or is particularly turned on by food coma, gas and bloating. The only thing that’s going to see any action is the bathroom, followed in close second by the couch. (Helpful hint post-meal: sit next to the dog. Works like a charm.)

1. Dip your balls in the cranberry sauce. Always a house favorite, especially if the ladies in attendance like cranberries. Ladies not named “Mom,” that is.

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