As the great Cameron Frye noted in a tweet earlier today, Blizzard Nemo is about to come all over the East Coast’s face, dumping anywhere from 2 to 4,364 feet of snow on our weekend plans.
Rather than leave you sitting around waiting for the power to go out or trying to decide which of your roommates would be the best one to eat if everything goes to shit, we wanted to share some ideas for sexing up a blizzard. Which is probably one of the least sexy things in the world besides Steve Buscemi’s testicles. Just trust us.
Find Someone to Get Snowed In With: This is really the ideal, although I will add the caveat that this should be someone you actually want to sleep with. For you ladies, this could be Alan from accounting or, if desperation is high, the cable guy. Try to invite them over just as the heavy stuff’s about to hit and pray that after a couple belts of whiskey they find your pants more inviting than the cold, bracing wind. A chloroform-soaked rag can help strengthen your argument.
Self-Pleasuring-athon: There’s literally no problem in this world that masturbating within an inch of your life can’t cure. Shitty job? Fap that shit away. Can’t match a shirt and tie to save your life? Just jerk off and swing with the cargo pants and T-shirt. Snow and wind burying you inside the house? You could use the time to finally finish that novel about a talking bird or just wank yourself unconscious. I know what I’m choosing.
Play a Quick Round of “Let Me Eat Whatever Food is Left in the Fridge Off Your Body Before It Spoils”: This has been a favorite of mine ever since I walked in on my Aunt Nell and Uncle Pete playing it in the mid-’80s and had to endure ten years of therapy to wipe my brain clean.
Naked Shoveling: This, of course, leads to the equally awesome “Being Treated for Penis Frostbite by a Jaded Fiftysomething Nurse.”
Build Dirty Snowpeople: Head outside. Roll a snowman. Then a snowwoman. Introduce them. Place them in compromising positions. Note how much smoother your snowman is with the ladies–sadly, much smoother than you’ll ever be. Watch him make a play for your snowwoman. Step between them and explain that you built the snowwoman, making her yours. Watch in dismay as the two of them side-step your worthless ass and drive off in your Corolla. They promise to call, but you know they won’t.