7 Least Sexy Breakfasts in Bed


Guys, when a lady stays for the night, there’s nothing classier than making breakfast for her the next morning. If you can pull it off while wearing a top hat and not getting your balls stuck in the toaster oven, even better.

But what to serve is nowhere near as important as what not to serve. There are a couple breakfast-in-bed options that should be avoided like the plague itself if you’re interested in having her stick around for lunch (which isn’t code for your dick in a sub roll. But it could be, sailor. It could be).

Anyway. Teh list:

Grape Nuts: Unless you dig fucking on gravel, just keep these things far away from your bed. Trust me when I say that if your naked ass comes into contact with Grape Nuts, you’re in for a world of pain. Or at least a couple weeks.

Hillshire Farms Smoked Sausage: STOP!

Greek Yogurt: You just spent the entire night begging her to eat something white, creamy and full of protein. Do you really want to head down that road again?

Donut or Bagel: Nothing says “I’m selling blood/semen/old clothes to support myself” quite like this.

Fruit Dipped in Chocolate: Sounds sexy in theory. But one glimpse of a chocolate stain on a bed sheet can crush the mood faster than thinking of naked Edgar Winter.

The Leftover Chinese in Your Fridge: I know you want to get rid of it and you’ve got a bizarre hankering for dumplings. But before you toss the spring rolls and Ma Po Tofu in the microwave, remember that you may be asking her to straddle your face again within the next hour.

Cap’n Crunch: Aaaaaaand she’s gone.


  1. Nick, mostly

    June 10, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Cap’n Crunch is da bomb and if she doesn’t realize that it wasn’t going to work anyway.

    • Ken

      June 11, 2013 at 11:52 am


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