Adventures in Online Dating: The Stand Up

What I presume caused my date to be a no-show.

OK so there were a few red flags. The fact that his username was “yeahI’mperfect”, that every picture on his profile had him lovingly cradling some sort of alcoholic beverage, that he used the “What are your interests?” section to deliver a sermon demonizing single moms in leopard print who pose in flagrante with their children picking their nose in the background, and that he was allergic to fabric softener. Still, I thought, he’s entertaining, and I haven’t gotten my Netflix yet so the night was open.

“Dude, you’re hot! When are we going out?” Yeah, I guess he wasn’t too good with gender qualifiers either, but again, mildly intrigued and no Netflix. We exchanged a few quick emails and he set the time and date with a flourish of, “Sounds good! Can’t wait, we gonna party all night!!.” Me: “Uh, I have a root canal scheduled for 7AM so I may not be up for a late night.” Nevertheless I showered, put my face on and headed to the bar.

Normally I’m about 5 minutes late but the traffic and parking gods were in full effect so I was there a few minutes early and parked right out front. I went in and looked around. (Question: how do you show up for a blind/online date and act like you’re not looking for a blind/online date? I mean, you kinda know what you’re looking for, unless it’s the one pic loser (see previous post) but still, it’s dark, people are looking at YOU just because you walked in the door so you don’t know if they’re looking at you like, hey, my date! Or, wow, does she own a mirror? And you’re trying to play it cool but what are you supposed to do, just go and sit or take five laps around the pool table? But I digress.) I take a seat (nice one, Ariel) and wait.

The dates I’ve had the pleasure of surviving usually have had the gentleman caller already there when I arrive, so when he wasn’t front and center I started getting that little feeling of “hmmm.” 8:42 – OK pretty late, and I know the parking and traffic gods are working late tonight so he doesn’t have that excuse. 8:53 – Wow, I’ve been stood up!!!

I had ordered a drink, and was certainly not going to waste it. I sat at the bar and texted my friends the news. As the “WHAT A FUCKING DICK!!!!” messages rolled in, I sipped my beverage and people-watched. Was I bummed? Nah. I feel like my online dating cherry has been popped. Now I can join the ranks of millions of interwebz daters who know it’s always a crap shoot – pray for George Clooney, shake hands with George Costanza. And if it means having a good story to share with y’all, well slap my ass and call me Sally. (Or, you know, just call me. Please?)

8 Comments

  1. L.A.

    March 14, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    I’d say count your blessings. My one and only foray into online dating ended with late night text messages saying, NO JOKE,

    “WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME??”

    Followed by a sad face emoticon.

    • Ariel

      March 14, 2012 at 6:02 pm

      Oh honey! You sure your date isn’t the guy in the pic above?!?

      • L.A.

        March 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

        Oh, don’t worry. It’s not him. My guy looked and dressed like a high schooler. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had turned out to be 17.

  2. Stephanie

    March 18, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    Haha, my only foray into online dating ended up with this dude Mike, who’s actually still my friend. The hilarious part of this that made me laugh is that I actually stood him up TWICE before we went on our first date.

    (I know, I’m a horrible, horrible, person.)

  3. Ariel

    March 19, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Obv. You are a mighty fine catch if the poor bastard didn’t give up and is ok being relegated to the FRIENDS ZONE!

    • Stephanie

      March 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm

      I’m better as a friend than as a girlfriend. As a girlfriend I expect too much. LOL

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