And the Horse You Rode In On


I get roughly 400 e-mails a day from sites offering me such stuff as “Naked Kentucky Derby” and “Horny MILF Taking It Out On The Family Dog” and “Farm Girls Going Wild With Drunk Bear” and “Regis Philbin Making a Pizza, Shirtless.”

Needless to say, I don’t click on any of them, not even out of sick curiosity. But somebody’s gotta be buying that shit. The question is, who? Who needs to see a woman blowing a horse? Especially if it’s an ex girlfriend of mine and she swears the horse is just an old friend who she’s helping through a difficult time.

Myself, I just don’t get it. Even as a fan of both women and horse racing. When I’m about to bet on the Kentucky Derby, the last thing I want to think about is whether the horse I’m betting on shares a few of my exes.

Once, during a high school party, I saw a girl jack off a dog. And it was the single grossest thing I’ve ever witnessed [never mind the fact that the dog saw more action in that night than I’d had in a month]. Understand, I can’t even watch the money shots in a porno featuring humans — hey, call me crazy, I don’t like watching another guy shoot his load. Dogs, even less so.

Perhaps it’s just the fascination of the abomination that attracts people to these flicks. But what of the girls who star in them? I know times are tough, and pride always takes a backseat to, y’know, being able to eat three times a day. But if you absolutely, positively had to get into porno, wouldn’t you try to get into that branch that focuses on human-on-human fucking? Wouldn’t that just make more sense? I mean, if I was a chick, I’d rather be the meat in a Wilford Brimley/Ed Asner sammich than take it up the ass from a camel.

Perhaps that’s just me.

Leave a Reply