Apparently, I Give Off a Vibe

"Not looking fo any action, ma'am. Just doing my job."

The company I work for encourages volunteerism among its staff. A noble thing, to be sure, and being a noble gent of sorts, I anted up and put in for some hours last weekend at a local food pantry. The work is fairly easy; you just sort packages of food into boxes, then seal up the boxes. Then we all go home or get liquored up and chase tail.

At the volunteer site, I got paired up with a girl from my office who I’d never met. We’ll call her Sandy. Sandy’s job is to tie three boxes of food together, then she hands them off to me and I pack them six-deep in a large crate. Sandy is short and chubby with a flat ass, large round boobs and a pretty face. Not my type at all, but she seems friendly and I anticipate at least some decent conversation to make the time pass as we’re sorting and packing.

Turns out, Sandy’s a Talker. Talks about everything. Did I see America’s Got Talent the other night? Don’t I just hate the MBTA? Isn’t Game On the coolest place to hang out?

So I nod and politely smile and put in my two cents where I’m allowed. The clock is, thankfully, moving along nicely and we’re stacking up crates at a respectable pace. She keeps yammering and I keep smiling.

Then, at one point, out of the blue, she blurts out, “Oh, I should tell you, I have a boyfriend.”

Well, thank Christ she cleared that up with me. I mean, she obviously noticed, as my eyes glazed over with each passing box of Triscuits or deviled ham, that I was clearly sizing up her ass for a right good fucking.

I glanced over and acknowledged it with a quick smile and a, “Well, he’s one lucky guy.” Then we got back to the work at hand.

So where, exactly, does this sort of thing come from? Is it just the need to let the entire free world know you’re getting laid? Or is my “warning: pervert at large” vibe becoming increasingly obvious with each passing year?

Either way, I wish Sandy and her man-pal years of happiness. Even though the thought of them banging makes me feel kinda icky.

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