Attention Ladies: You are Going to Have Sex with Bob Seger


For years, I’ve figured “Every Breath You Take” by The Police to be the most disturbing song ever written. Despite the cool, snaky bass and ’80s pop flourishes, Sting is basically telling this person (his ex? his secret crush? George Lopez?) that he’ll be stalking him or her for the rest of their days. Creepy stuff.

But then I attended a wedding last weekend where the couple’s first dance was to “You’ll Accomp’ny Me” by Bob Seger. And we suddenly have a new champion.

Yes, I’ve heard the song before. In fact, it was staple of my dad’s “long family drives” cassette tape mix. But I’ll admit to never paying attention to the lyrics until now. And they kinda make “Every Breath You Take” seems as threatening as “Yellow Submarine.”

They start off easy enough, with Bob explaining to an unnamed woman that “there’s something you should know.” And that something is, holy crap, Bob’s “made [his] mind up that it’s meant to be. Someday lady you’ll accomp’ny me.”

You got that, woman? Bob’s pretty much decided that this is how it’s going down. And if you want to cross a guy who looks like a deranged woodsman and hails from Detroit, well that’s your business. He even goes on to explain that, yes, he understands that said woman is currently “wild and free” but again insists, despite this, that “some day lady you’ll accomp’ny me.”

Then there’s this stanza:

Some people say that love’s a losin’ game
You start with fire but you lose the flame
The ashes smolder but the warmth’s soon gone
You end up cold and lonely on your own

That’s pretty nice at first glance. But coming from a guy who’s already imposing his rule upon a free-livin’ woman, the references to “fire,” “ashes” and “cold and lonely” seem more “backwoods homicidal maniac” than “hopeless romantic” to me.

And lastly, just to make sure your clear that your own feelings on the matter are of little if any consequence to him, Bob reiterates that, “I feel it in my soul, it’s meant to be / Oh someday lady you’ll accomp’ny me.”

Okay, so here are no blatant references to chloroform-soaked rag and zip ties, but listen to the song. And just look at that beard. Suddenly, Sting creeping around your shed doesn’t seem so threatening, does it?

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