Okay, so. Ass Week happened last week. But this was one of the pieces that we originally wanted to run during that extravaganza. Thing is, I got way too drunk and messed up my self-imposed deadline and then I started making excuses that may or may not have involved sex with a Kohls mannequin. A few days later, I cleaned up my act and said FUCKING MAKE IT HAPPEN.

So here’s the thing. We dig a lot of fellow sex/dating/alcoholic bloggers, and thought it’d be kinda cool if not entirely unoriginal to throw a monthly “topic” out at them and see who’d respond. The results, at best, would form a sort of roundtable of our favorite bloggers. At worst, it would give us something else to read whilst we drink ourselves into poverty.

So to kick things off, we reached out to seven of our favorite female bloggers to get the chatter going. Two of them couldn’t swing it, but the other five did: the scintillating Skye Blue of, the alluring Nikki of Women Are from Mars , the smashingly awesome Beausaphine of, the awesomely smashing Steph from, and last but not least, the enticing L.A. from Chicks in the Mitt.

And just like that, it was on. However, Ariel left me to pick the topic. So, of course, it turned out to be women dropping their badonkadonks on guy’s faces.

So here’s what happens when I talk to some awesome female bloggers about the art of 69.

KEN: Okay. So. Ladies. You’re in the heat of the moment with a guy and he asks you to straddle his face like it’s your personal barcalounger. Are you down with that?

SKYE BLUE: For me, sitting on a guy’s face is always a good time, though I feel compelled to add a corollary or two to that. Whenever I’ve done it, it’s been: 1) part of a very long and involved sexual interlude. I’ve never been asked to just plop down on a guy’s face for hours of worship, Ken-style, EVER (and for the record I’m more than a little miffed about it!); and 2) all (or mostly, say 99.9%) about my lady flower, as opposed to my ass. Which is a real pity because I’ve got a great ass.

BEAUSAPHINE: I engage pretty much exclusively in only positions our forefathers would have endorsed. Given I am Canadian, face sitting is a critical part of our culture, for many reasons:

1) It gets cold. HELLA cold. And with the trend of entirely exposed lady parts, well, a ladies nether regions ALSO get cold. This is where the tradition of BEARDS come in to play. At first, Canadian Face Sitting began as a way for generous male folk to share their hairy bouty with some of a womans most vulnerable parts. But while engaging in what was supposed to be a purely platonic beard sharing act, menfolk became bored and began to… explore. And THUS face sitting became a part of our culture*.
*may not be factual.

2) guuurl CLIMB ON UP THERE. The view is AMAZING. Also – great for multitasking, especially in the mornings. Go on and get yours while ALSO putting on your makeup. Or texting your BFF about lunch plans. I wouldn’t suggest it during conference calls unless you know your line is muted. Apparently moaning isn’t considered “work appropriate”.

If you are scared, I would suggest maybe strapping on your lady balls (figuratively only. They would just get in the way) and just do it. If you suffocate him, well, he died happy. Probably. Unless you are hiding badgers up there. But then he probably did suffocate… he was probably eaten. But then it is sort of your fault. Put your vag-badger in a cage before sexy time.

STEPHANIE: Generally it is not something I do without reservation. As far as physical pleasure goes, I’d rather have a penis in my ass than a tongue.

NIKKI: There are a few things I have on my “No” List, and face-sitting isn’t one of them.

KEN: I’ve known some women who say they’d only do it if they were asked. Are you in that camp?

NIKKI: Honestly? Ken’s the only guy who’s ever asked. It makes me wonder if he’s just the only dude brave enough to bring it up. Here’s the thing: On the one hand, I feel like, for some reason, it fits in with many other sexy-times things that people are afraid to bring up. On the other hand, I think the ladies may be less inclined to sit on faces because, hey, it’s our ass we’re talking about here. On your face. Not your face in our ass – our ass ON your face. The one we’re told to worry about all. the. time. Is it too big? Is it not big enough? OMG WILL I COMPLETELY CRUSH YOUR FACE? And those insecurities we’re given at a wee young age may mean we’re hesitant to even bring it up.

BEAUSAPHINE: Yup. I discovered years ago that if you just climb on up there without any warning, people get mad. Who knew the subway was not a good place to wrestle a strange but attractive man to the floor and sit on his face? He made eye contact. I assumed he was down. Maybe there should be some sort of secret nod for people who are down for it? I’ll work on that.

SKYE BLUE: No. I’m a go getter who LOVES oral sex, so when the mood hits I’d just go ahead and mount the face of the dude I’m playing with. Though I’d likely give him a warning force, just to prevent any tragic nose breaking accidents. ’cause Lord knows that would be a real buzz kill.

STEPHANIE: To be honest, it really depends on the partner I’m with. Left to my own devices, I’d rather not do it – you never know if there’s a stray dingleberry or something of the sort – however, I’ve been with guys who love it. They crave it. Their sex life isn’t complete without it – and if they know the risks and still want to dine down there, who am I to say no?

L.A.: I haven’t been asked and never really thought about being asked. Honestly, if in the throes of sex and everything, if I was asked, I’d just say no. I’m too busy doing other things like getting my orgasm on, to stop and debate if I need to be sitting on someone’s face.

KEN: Well let me ask you this: If your significant other is deadset AGAINST doing it—and it pains me to think these people might exist—is that a deal-breaker?

SKYE BLUE: Uhhhm…let me think about this one for a minute…Wait. Who the fuck am I kidding? YES!!!!!

STEPHANIE: Definitely not. However, if they are dead set against anal sex it is a deal-breaker.

NIKKI: Not a deal-breaker, but I’d be curious as to why they were deadset against it.

BEAUSAPHINE: Honestly, he’s just glad I’ve stopped asking him to dress up like a unicorn. Which, to be honest, would make face sitting REALLY painful.

KEN: Last question, and I’m embarrassed to say I’ve already got a hard-on: If you have any advice for women who are simply not into it or have never done it or are hesitant to, what would that be?

SKYE BLUE: Step out of your comfort zone and live, sister. You have no idea what you are missing!

BEAUSAPHINE: I discovered early on that sometimes, if he has a giant head, and you’re knees are spread pretty wide, air gets on up inside that ole dusty trail of ours. And then that air is all “GET ME OUT OF HERE”. And then you are suddenly making incredibly unladylike noises out of your vagina. When this happens, DO NOT PRETEND IT WAS HIM BURPING. Because then he laughs. And then chokes. And then NO ONE gets an orgasms.

STEPHANIE: Women, here’s the deal – if your man gets off on it – DO IT. That’s all I have to say, if it brings them pleasure, it is no skin off your back and the feeling of getting them excited should get you excited.

NIKKI: To think about why they’re so hesitant. Hey, I’m all sex-positive n stuff, so if you’re not into something, you’re not into it. But. If you’re not into it because of those ass insecurities I mentioned? Time to reconsider, as well as time to think about the fact that your partner actually likes your ass so much, they want to suffocate in it. Remembering that might help with those insecurities.

Immediately after the roundtable, I, naturally, begged each of the ladies to sit on my face. They responded by beating me senseless and stealing my wallet. So I’m thinking this might happen. In the future. Also, I love these women and their writing madly, so please use the links above and check out their blogs. Like now and shit.

1 Comment

  1. Dave-X

    September 15, 2012 at 9:06 am

    “your partner actually likes your ass so much, they want to suffocate in it.”

    This line. Awesome.

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