Bloggers Assemble!: The Movie About Your Sex Life

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Once again this month we put out the call to some of our favorite bloggers/Tweeters and asked them a question of grave importance (to us): If they were making a movie of your sex life, what would it be called?

The responses were, as expected, amazing. Some folks even sent us cast lists and plot points. To all who participated, we say thank you. And please know that after I read your submissions, we all took place in an orgy that happened exclusively in my mind.

If my sex life were made into a movie, the title would be, “Are You Getting Enough Air Down There?” And even casual observers of this blog will know why.

Now, on to our guests:

Melysa from Sex, Lies and Bacon: “Some Like It Drunk.”

Cameron Frye: “I Lost 300 lbs For This?” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think I’d better my chances for a happy and active sex life thanks to losing weight. But the caliber of men I’ve been pulling has been depressing. I’ve had a guy who cried at the dinner table and another guy who asked if I was still a virgin 15 minutes into our date. You know, spending a Saturday night home alone with your vibrator isn’t that bad after all.

Gina Kerrigan of Cupid’s Laboratory: “Pretty in Pink.”

Lizzie Havoc of Dig Boston and Suicide Girls: “Street Meat on the Nightstand.” Starring Lizzie Havoc and a rotating cast of the same three ex-boyfriends, professional wrestlers, a lot of booze, and sausage, pepper and onion wrappers as empty as my heart and the beer bottles littering my bedroom floor.

Samantha Ellis: “Angels With Dirty Knickers.”

Beverly Diehl of Writing in Flow: “There’ll Be Another One Along in a Few Minutes.” That’s the punchline to an old saying about busses (but also applies to men): If you miss one, there’ll be another one along in a few minutes. Sometimes several buses are all queued up at the stop at the same time, lol! Other times, I choose a different form of transportation. But for as long as I’ve been sexually active (how long that is, I ain’t admitting, but it’s more than one decade), I’ve had hook-ups, secret lovers, steady boyfriends, fuck-buddies, and interested parties ready to offer me a ride whenever I want one. The key–seeing I possess neither the sweet adorableness of a Kate Hudson nor a Beyoncé bootylicious bod–is, I believe, body language, a glint in the eye, and a spirit of adventure. When I choose to turn it on. Other times, I slide completely under the radar.

Shinavonne: “Long Day’s Journey into Night.” Lost my virginity at 21, made up for it by having sex with every man I came in contact with. Settled down for a few years, but that didn’t last. Now I’m usually too lazy to actually hook up, so I just masturbate a lot. A rom-com about how a woman found love with her vibrator. It would star Jennifer Jason Leigh’s face and Sarah Vandella’s vagina.

Erin from LoveofMystery: “Eat, Drink, Man, Woman.” A man’s gotta love to dine at the Y to get in my pants.

Lost Plum: “Adventures in Man-sitting.”

Liza of Always Each Other and Tied Tongues: “How Liza Got Her Groove Back.” Because my husband and I went about 10 years with pretty much no sex life, and then BAM! I just attacked him on the sofa and we never turned back. Who would star in it? Mariska Hargitay. Hot, hot, hot! And Daniel Craig. Mmmmm.

Livia of Tied Tongues: “The SeX Files.” Because everything that happens in my bedroom is out of this world. Starring Anne Hathaway and David Duchovny. I need me some Californicating.

Karyn Polewaczyk of Boston.com, Nerve, DigBoston and many others: Last year, STUFF (R.I.P.) asked if my sex life were a book, which one would it be—as in, a book that’s already been published. I said Where The Wild Things Are, which is fitting, because, HI, the title—and also because it’s a children’s book and I have a soft spot for manchildren.

But here, I think, you want something different. You want me to think and come up with something of my own. What pressure!

If I were to answer STUFF-style, I’d say “Animal House,” because my bedroom floor often looks like a dumping ground after a healthy romp between the sheets. If I were to answer creatively, I’d say “The Deadlines Keep Coming,” because it sounds porn-y and ’cause that’s how it feels. Or, maybe something after school special-esque, like, “Why Are My Deadlines Late?”, except everyone knows a blog can’t get pregnant! (Awkward laughter)

Ariel
Failure To Launch, except instead of reasonably good-looking people and hilarious hijinks, more facial hair and existential angst.

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