A Brief But Ultimately Self-Serving Public Announcement

This is important.

Women of America, if I may have your attention for just one moment.

Do I have your attention? Excellent.

::Ahem::

Don’t fear the rimjob.

Seriously. Don’t.

Because you know me. And you know I’m going to ask eventually.

Sure, I can make with the witty banter over dinner. Asking about the job. The obligatory reference to the latest Hunger Games movie. Discussing my latest find from Pornmaki. The questions about your Aunt Netty–I sure hope she’s doing okay, by the way.

But make no mistake: While I’m droning on and on about how American Hustle should have won best picture way back when and how my boss is slowly siphoning the will to live from my body with the ease of a teenager working a Capri Sun, I’m really thinking about rimming you. With the fury of a thousand pornstars.

It’s what I do. It’s what I love. And it’s basically what’s been on my mind for the past week.

In fact, since we arranged this date, I haven’t had a single thought float through my worthless head that wasn’t related to you, on my bed, on your knees, beckoning me to move closer, and my tongue slowly snaking out toward its eventual destination. AKA, your booty.

Some women, admittedly, are not into having a tongue up the ass. So I think it’s important that you understand three things: Every step will be taken to ensure your maximum enjoyment of said rimming. I won’t be secretly filming this, so you’ll never find your ass featured under the link headline, “WatchMyGF.” And I never, ever, ever look for reciprocation in this arena. I am strictly about rimming unto others. Never the other way around.

Like, never.

Thanks for your time.

And, oh. Can I rim you?

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