My Dumb Life

  • My Biggest Competition

    In those literary classics such as “Men are from Uranus, Women are from Tampax” and “He’s Just Not into You cuz You Ugly”, the central...

  • My Nerdiness: Officially an Issue

    So a buddy sends me a link to the latest video from fetish porn queen Tara Tainton, entitled “Why, You Have a Deadly Case of...

  • Another Day Wasted

    I can’t be the only person in the world who missed out on Black Friday shopping due to a debilitating condition known as “inability to...

  • Trying to Get Laid on Thanksgiving: A Heartwarming Holiday Tale

    Look, all this bullshit about the pilgrims coming here to escape religious persecution and rapid Wal-Mart expansion is pure BS. They came here for the...

  • The Closet Show: Not as Awesome as You’d Think It Would Be

    When I was in college, a buddy of mine inexplicably found himself dating one of the hottest girls on campus. I’m talking Victoria Secret-meets-chick-riding-the-bird in...

  • The Day My Job Became the Greatest Job in the History of Jobs

    Normally, I don’t like my job. It pays well, and does involve using my brain. But, for the most part, I spend my days dreaming...

  • My Sunday Morning Workout…

    …consists of putting this video on loop, firing up some vodka and Red Bull, and masturbating myself into full-on delirium. Let’s just say it helps...

  • Will Date For…Coffee

    Good mornin’, y’all. Feeling a little groggy from last night? Well, check it: my Starbucks barista is totally hot. He’s from Brazil or Argentina or...

  • Erection Day

    A couple weeks back, while waiting around at the only dentist’s office in town that doesn’t require pants, I read an interesting article in some...

  • 50 Shades of One Hot Mess

    All the single ladies: getting ready for the big party is a colossal waste of time. Especially if you think you’re going to get laid....