Catherine Zeta Jones and Truly Killer Oral

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When Michael Douglas announced he had throat cancer a couple years back, I assumed it to be the results of too much smoking or drinking or the stress of being a celebrity or just plain old fashioned shitty luck.

Turns out, it was caused by going down on women.

As Douglas recently explained to the UK newspaper The Guardian, “Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus. It’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

There’s not a goddam thing funny about cancer. And I’m glad the guy beat it; some folks aren’t as fortunate. But if I knew I was gonna get cancer, that’s pretty much how I’d like to do it. Also his suggestion that cunnilingus is “the best cure” for this type of cancer? Beats the fuck out of radiation and getting zapped by robots. Hell, I might just live forever if that’s the case.

Meanwhile, if I’m Douglas’ wife, the unquestionably hot Catherine Zeta Jones, I’m already on the phone to my publicist trying to find a way to spin the word that I don’t have a killer vag.

That said, even if she did, as someone who’s watched this epic scene in Entrapment a million times, I’d still get in there.

Man, did I fuck up not putting this film on the list.

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