Christmas Music, as Composed by My Ex-Girlfriends

santa and elf

“Merry Christmas, Asshole.”

“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like I’d Rather Date Your Brother.”

“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Then Fuck Off and Die.”

“Who Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?”

“There’s No Place Like Some Other Guy’s Pants For the Holidays.”

“All I Want for Christmas is Your Still-Beating Heart on a Stake.”

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Crack Addict I’ve Just Paid to Take Out Your Ass.”

“I’ll Be Home for Christmas and I’d Appreciate It If You Have Your Stuff Moved Out Before I Get There.”

“Do You Hear What I Hear? That’s Me Not Having an Orgasm.”

“We Three Kings and the Prick Who Slept with My Roommate.”

“What Child Is This? Not Yours, Dude.”

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside. But Even If I Stay Here I’m Still Not Doing That Bizarre Thing You Keep Asking Me To Do Where I Sit On Your Face While Wearing Yoga Pants. You’re Disturbed.”

“Hark, the Herald Angels, Like My Girlfriends, Agree That You’re a Good-For-Nothing Dink.”

“Winter Wonderland, My Ass, I Will Kill You, Motherfucker!”

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