Do Clothes Make the Man (And Get Him Laid?)

The Village People
You only get one shot to make a first impression. At least, that’s what what the makers of Binaca Fresh Breath Spray tell me. So when I see a dude on the street, I tend to go immediately into Terminator mode and scan the package. I’m talking about his outfit, of course. What sartorial choices did he make today, and were they reliable and sound? Is it put together in a pleasing, easy-on-the-eyes display? And, most importantly, does he look like someone I would like to fuck?

We project our wants, needs, desires, frustrated dreams, etc. on this unwitting target. And if you don’t, then congrats, you’re Mahatma Gandhi and you’re too busy trying to create world peace than getting laid. But for the rest of us poor slobs, this is the convenient empty vessel we are going to put all of our fantasies, yearnings, etc into. For example, got a thing for authority figures? Your legs may get weak at the sight of a policeman, here to keep the peace (and give you multiple orgasms for weeks.) Me, I’m not a huge fan – sure, I may be pursued by them, but it always ends with me having to give them half my paycheck. (“Moving violation? For driving on the sidewalk? Thanks officer. There goes my bra allowance for the next five years.”) Firemen may be more my speed. But again, they only seem to magically appear when I’ve inflicted some sort of horrific damage to property or self, so I’m going to just associate them with having a major sadz.

Now, when we move into less professional, more personal style, waters get a little murky. I always viewed hipsters (they’re EVERYWHERE! They must breed like rabbits.) with rampant suspicion. First of all, they look too damn thin; I always had this fear of either crushing them if they were underneath, or thrusting them up a bit too enthusiastically if they were on top, sending them careening into the ceiling fan or out the window. And there’s only so many random, carefully-obscure cultural references I can take. YOU try surreptitiously Googling during lovemaking when he calls you his little “Isadora Duncan.”

Tattoos are a form of uniform – it could stand for everything rebellious, everything your father was against – so, come here, sailor! I guess I do still have a thing for tatz, except after being with guy with numerous, beautifully-etched pin-up girls all over his body. Having sex with him was like fucking the September issue of Elle Magazine: all those perfect hourglass shapes and perky breasts, mocking my swinging udders as I tried to gyrate gracefully to R. Kelly’s immortal classic “Bump n Grind.” I had lower self esteem and poor body image issues for months.

So, in closing to my ramblings, I would say, yes, to a certain extent clothes do make the man, but I would much rather prefer if he would just take them off.


  1. Diana

    June 20, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Currently crushing hard on a dude with a Bettie Page tattoo on his arm. I’m also really into pin-up girls, so there’s a good chance I might be checking out his tattoo more than him.

    It might go a little something like this:

    “Hey, sexy, where’ve you been all my life?” “Are…. are you talking to my arm?” “…no…”

    or maybe:

    “Wanna ditch this loser and get outta here?” “Again, you are literally talking to my arm. It can’t go anywhere without me.”

    • Ariel

      June 20, 2013 at 8:40 pm

      You have the best of both worlds!!! And you totally crack me up

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