Elope. Thank You.


You want me to be your bridesmaid? Wow, that’s…great. No really, what an honor. Let me open several new lines of credit for the following:

-a bridesmaid dress that I’ll never wear in public again

-silver/lilac/forest green shoes, same reason as above

-a present for engagement party from registry (Tiffany’s or Neiman Marcus, in which cheapest gift listed is a cheese knife for $150)

-a present for bridal shower from registry (see above)

-a present for the wedding from registry (see above)

-a plane ticket to Vegas for “crazy” bachelorette party

-$1100 for hotel room, spa treatment, meals, drinks, gambling, stripper for bride-to-be, plus $200 cleaning deposit for her puking Purple Hooter all over the hotel suite

-$100 for bridesmaids’ gift to the bride (what a brilliant concept!)

-a plane ticket to Portland, ME (a red-eye plus two layovers is PERFECT!)

-$278 for rental car to drive to Bar Harbor, Maine for wedding ceremony

-$225 for room at Lighthouse Inn (what a great wedding party discount!)

-$150 for hairdresser, makeup, nail salon

So in closing, let me again say how happy I am that you’ve asked me to be in your wedding. Please keep in mind that I will most likely suppress my resentment until the reception, whereupon I will commence to get shitfaced on watered-down vodka tonics, make a toast that’ll make your dad blush and your mom faint, then attempt to sleep with the best man, the DJ, and the 18-year old barback in rapid succession. Mazeltov!

1 Comment

  1. Ken

    October 8, 2012 at 11:49 am

    FWIW, I totally wanna be your date for a wedding.

Leave a Reply