Every Relationship I Have Ever Been In, Summarized by the Things I Most Often Say at Each Stage

“Can I buy you drink?”

“Another reason I’m a good catch: never had a cavity. In fact, I’ve brought along my dental records for your perusal.”

“Why would you think I was joking when I suggested the comic book store for a first date?”

“Before you see my apartment, random question: what’s your tolerance level for Doctor Who posters? On a scale of ‘one’ to ‘I’ve wallpapered the place with those fuckers’?”

“I wish you’d explained your office’s strict policy on visitors having to wear pants before I decided to drop by with lunch.”

“How can you be disappointed in this Christmas gift? Any other woman would love to have a scarf made from authentic Civil War veterans’ beard hair.”

“Alright, then, maybe I will try squeezing into this Catwoman costume first to see how it feels.”

“On the bright side, 45 seconds is a new record.”

“Sure, to your untrained eye it might have looked like I was smelling the underwear in your hamper. But I was actually testing your closet for dangerously high radon content. You’re welcome, by the way.”

“So when you say that my very existence sickens you to your core, is it safe to assume that you won’t be sitting on my face tonight?”

“Fine, move out if you like. But you’re going to miss helping me match my shirts and ties.”

“Yes, I realize that if I take one step closer I’m in violation of the restraining order, but I’d like to share this poem I wrote about us. And some seagulls.”

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