My Favorite Sex Positions, Volume One

All things considered, not a bad way to spend an afternoon.

All things considered, not a bad way to spend an afternoon.

Thank god someone had the good sense to start adding detailed definitions of sex acts and positions to Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary. Because now, future generations will understand the subtle differences between a Dirty Sanchez, a Lucky Pierre, the Squashing of the Deckchair and Flying Penis in a Tree. When I have a chance, I’ll get around to adding some of my personal favorites:

The Fawlty Towers
Man squats down so woman can mount his shoulders backward, so her legs drape down his back. He then stands up, lifting her and pressing her against the wall so he can perform intense cunnilingus. Man puts in performance of his life, to the point that his tongue and jaw muscles freeze. When he seeks a confirmation of his expertise, he realizes that woman’s head hit the ceiling on initial ascent and she’s been unconscious throughout the proceedings.

The Ten Yard Line
Man strategically positions bedroom TV set so that he can catch last quarter of football game while simultaneously making prop bets and going down on woman. Man blows cover by screaming, “Fucking refs!” after a particularly horrid call. Woman beats man with table leg.

The I Swear I Saw This in a Porno Once
Woman lies on bed, holding American flag in one hand and lit sparklers in the other. Man stands on dresser with erection pointing forward, leather flight goggles and scarf in place. Man assesses trajectory, creeps to edge of dresser. Woman spreads legs wider, looks nervously at sparklers. Man falls to floor, snapping penis in two. Zombies emerge from closet, killing everyone.

The Was That You or Me?
Man and Woman go at it like tasered marmots. Rhythm of intense fucking is interrupted by bizarre, squeakish, flatulence-like sound. Copulation halts momentarily as both Man and Woman go perfectly still. Man excuses himself and heads to bathroom, where he promptly jumps out window and runs home.

The Hey, Does Your Roommate Want to Join Us?
Woman brings Man home from Cask n’ Flagon. Man is escorted to bedroom, but spies hot roommate in thong brushing teeth. Man begins asking Woman if her she’d ask her roommate to join in. Woman eventually caves, conveniently neglecting to inform Man of roomie’s red-hot case of crabs.

The Beam Me Out
Girl enters Man’s apartment. Girl sees stand-up cardboard Mr. Spock figure. Girl departs.

The Look at Me! Fucking You! From Behind!
Woman gets down on all fours. Man commences “doggy style” screw. Man then catches his reflection in mirror. Man continues to study himself as he fucks Woman, making exaggerated hip thrusts and shouting “Hoo Hah!” with each pump. He imagines himself, in no particular order, as Ron Jeremy, a Roman Gladiator, a guy who just won a million bucks on 2014 Super Bowl betting and his uncle Larry. The next morning, he heads back to his small apartment where he resumes his worthless existence. Later, he is seen dining at Applebees.

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