Like you, I enjoy watching movies. Like some of you, I will often suffer through a truly reprehensible flick if it means I might be able to catch a quality ass scene. Like a mere handful of you, I will then record said ass scene, screen-cap it, and write a half-crazed blog post about it. Whiskey may also be involved. Oh, and if I feel the urge to stroke it, who’s gonna stop me?
The following examples do not, by any means, represent the best ass shots committed to celluloid. Rather, they represent scenes that, for me anyway, made some truly wretched films worth suffering through. In fact, these ass shots are pretty much the best things about their respective movies.
1. Cameron Diaz booty-shaking in “Charlie’s Angels.”
Some people actually dig this movie. But, then again, some people dig having their junk slammed in car doors. It’s all about the eye of the beholder, I guess. There is no denying the epicness of Diaz’s ass, however. In fact, the entire movie is pretty much a series of inane plot points built around shots of D bending over–which also describes the contents of my brain, more or less. Knowing that Cameron’s ass is basically a tractor beam drawing male eyes to the screen, the makers of the film made sure that the sequel included a similar scene with Cameron shaking her ass to MC Hammer. Sold.
2. Jessica Biel dropping trou in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.”
I have to confess: I may have actually enjoyed this film. But whereas I can remember nothing about the plot (I think a guy named Chuck married a guy named Larry), my brain has absorbed every micro-second of the scene in which Jessica’s insanely well-toned glutes are on display. I may have even replayed the scene so many times at so many different speeds that even my DVR advised me to go the fuck outside (Yes, my DVR talks to me. It also has some pretty good connections at a Providence “full service” massage parlor.) If I was Justin Timberlake, the only time I would be removing my face from her ass would be to take meals. Otherwise, just deliver my goddam mail there.
3. Sally Field leans into the back seat in “Smokey and the Bandit.”
Holy fuck, Forrest Gump’s mother had a pretty nice ass back in the day. And you just know Burt Reynolds was sizing that thing up for the kill. Hell, I’d be surprised if one of his contract rider perks wasn’t a three night stay in Sally’s pants.
4. Gratuitously long shot of hooker walking upstairs in “Wild At Heart”
I watched David Lynch’s “Wild at Heart” about 10 times and I still have no fucking idea what happened. But “ass” is a universal language. So this scene–I got it. Well played, David.
5. Lea Thompson rocks the ’80s underwear in “Howard the Duck.”
It is great irony that one of the worst movies ever made includes one of the best and most gratuitous ass shots ever. It’s as if the director knew he was fronting a celluloid Hindenberg and figured, “Well, fuck, let’s at least get this in here.” Interestingly, George Lucas produced this shitshow, proving that while he may have pissed on his own legacy, the man at least took ass seriously. And this was a score; at the time the film came out, back in 1986, Thompson was the hottest thing since sliced bread, making this ass shot true manna from heaven. And, uh, yes, that’s a duck checking her out in the lower left corner.
6. Young, hot Helen Mirren flashes Peter Sellers in “The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu.”
An insanely shitty movie redeemed by a three-second clip of a young, hot Helen Mirren bending over in pink undershorts. If you ever want to make a case for the power of ass, consider that Sellers died after making this film and Mirren went on to become one of the world’s greatest actresses.
7. Jennifer Lopez sits on Ralph Fiennes’ face in “Maid in Manhattan.”
She didn’t, really. But just hearing J-Lo utter the line, “I almost sat on your face,” tells me that a true ass freak was pulling strings behind the scenes. And I applaud him.
Did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments.