“Friendships” of Convenience

I don’t know what the whole “rose in a fisted glove” or “eagle flies with a dove” signifies, but I do know that CSN tune so very well: “if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.” And that song seems to be a top ten hit for yours truly.

“The one I love” usually refers to hot dudes that are stratospherically out of my league, celebrities, or ex-boyfriends who have filed restraining orders. “Love the one I’m with” refers to coworkers, beer drinkers the next stool over, friends that should just remain friends and nothing more, and mailmen. Seriously, what is that about? In my case, methinks it’s ultimately ego.

This is how my brain works:

“Huh. Is it me or is Fill-In-The-Blank actually looking like he showered in the past week? He actually cleans up OK. I mean, for an overweight white dude. Let’s see what he orders. A-a-a-n-d, it’s a Coors Light. The drink of Aryan Nation. Well, let’s see what he’s up to…”

“Wow, he is so into me. I mean, can you blame him? I’m probably the best thing he’s seen in a loooong time. And you know, I clean up pretty good too. I would so rock his galaxy. Like fucking Battletits Puss-tacula. He’d fall in love with me in like two seconds and I’d have to let him down gently, because I’m just bored, dude, and you’ll do, at least for now…”

*Last Call*
“Well, I know he’s going to ask me to his place, and yeah, I’ll probably go. Even if it is just a sympathy fuck. Hey, it’s good to be of service to those less fortunate in the shagging department. And he’ll be so eager to please, like insisting on pleasuring me for hours and hours and hours just so that I’ll get my rocks off first. Wait, what? You’re leaving–with HER?!? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?”


“Hey! Uh, hey! Yeah, just saying thanks for my mail! Really appreciate you coming here every day to deliver it…So, you look kinda, uh, hot, need a cool beverage? What’s that? Oh, yeah, I get it, you got a lotta houses on your route, that’s cool..”

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