Full Frontal Jacket: A Celebration of Onscreen Peen

I wanted to follow up Ken’s homage to the female onscreen derriere with my own homage to something that’s sadly lacking in mainstream cinema: gratuitous penis shots. Tits and ass in movies have been around since drive-ins and are as consistent as Paul Rudd in a Judd Apatow movie. (BTW, according to Wikipedia: “In an attempt to rid America of its phallophobia, Judd Apatow once vowed to include a penis in every one of his movies.” Has this been the case? Your move, Apatow.) But rarely does the penis get the supporting-actor mention it so deserves. Herewith, a brief overview of some of the Onscreen Peen I’ve enjoyed:

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Harvey Keitel in The Piano

Mr. Keitel is of the ilk that the taking off of his pants is essential in the name of art. And I fully applaud his dedication to his craft. This movie in particular was awesome because it was so weird and beautiful and dirty (as in, they had to live in these shacks in the middle of the forest in the 1800’s, when nobody bathed) and while Mr. Keitel is not a traditionally handsome man, he’s a fucking MANG. Know whit I mean?

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Ewan McGregor in The Pillow Book

Mr. McGregor is so comfortable, nay, eager to remove his clothes in a movie (Trainspotting, Velvet Goldmine) that it must be written into his contract. Which must have been written by me. Because this man is so fucking gorgeous and is so believable in love scenes (with both men and women, I might add) that in my giddy delirium I think I could have a chance with him. Which is why I’m parked outside his house right now.

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Michael Fassbender in Shame

Mr. Fassbender (or as Katia calls him, El Fassboner) is in a very depressing movie about sex called Shame. Who knew sex could be so fucking depressing? It kinda took all the joy out of seeing him naked. Almost. Luckily you don’t have to wait very long – his penis makes a star appearance like, 30 seconds into the movie. Again, pure awesomeness until you actually start paying attention to the plot. Booooo…

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Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Is this a Judd Apatow movie? I’m too lazy to look it up…anyhoo, kudos to Mr. Segel for having the bravura to be totally nude when he doesn’t look like Chatum Tanning. (That’s his name, right?) My only quibble is that his peen is used for comedic effect, which in my experience never goes over well. Give the schlong some credit, yo. It’s taken a long time to come out, and the last thing it needs is to be humiliated.

Now, I don’t know if any of these men were nominated or won an Oscar for their brave portrayal sans trousers, but if was up to me and the golden guy they’d all be winners. I mean, look at the statue, for chrissakes:oscar-statue
It’s a NUDE GUY HOLDING A GIANT COCK. Need I say more?

5 Comments

  1. kara

    January 10, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Lol, and I second any Harvey Keitel mention always.

  2. Katia

    January 10, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    DAS FASSBONER!

    I’ve also enjoyed: Viggo in “Eastern Promises,” Michael Pitt in “The Dreamers,” EVERYTHING in “Shortbus,” but particularly the guy doing yoga in the beginning. WOW THAT IS HAPPENING, you have to see it, if you haven’t already.

  3. Melisa Mae

    January 10, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    I second your glorious fascination with the male genitalia. Why, I simply cannot hear the words “eight” and “inches” in the same sentence without being reminded of a glorious night in October when I truly became a woman. Kidding; I just like dick.

  4. Ms. Gloria Marie

    January 11, 2013 at 7:53 am

    What about Kevin Bacon? I think the movie was “Wild Things”. Got the VHS back in 1998 just for that *LOL*

  5. Pingback: The Penis Shot: A Necessary Addition to the Family Photo Album? | Ken & Ariel

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