Giving New Meaning to “The Dark Knight Rises”

If you happen to find yourself shut out of this weekend’s sure-to-be-sold-out showings of The Dark Knight Rises, take heart–the porn version is just a few mouse clicks away. And let’s face it: the commercials for Rises have already given half the flick away, whereas the description of Batman on Designer Island–yes, you read that right–only scratches the surface of the excitement that awaits:

Batman has crash landed his batplane on a beautiful mysterious island. He looks into the distance and sees a beautiful woman in a shiny gown. She comes over to him – talking about how beautiful and luscious her designer dress is before she’s joined by another beautiful girl in expensive clothes. Before he knows it, Batman is surrounded by beautiful women in designer outfits. One of the beauties pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes it in Batman’s direction – he inhales the sweet scent. He knows he shouldn’t but he loves the fragrance and can’t escape it’s powers. The women put a collar on Batman – turning him into their slave. The lovely ladies want all of Batman’s money – credit cards and other valuables so they may continue their wicked shopping habits.

There’s more, but is it really necessary? I’m sold already. I mean, just a few sentences in and we’ve got the Batplane, a crash landing, beautiful women in designer outfits, domination. It’s like Thanksgiving at my Uncle Nate’s house. TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT TO WATCH THAT FUCKER, PRONTO. Also, I don’t understand why Batman carries his credit cards with him, either–pretty fucking irresponsible if you ask me.

I guess you just have to do the math on this one; Dark Knight Rises has Batman being chased around by some hulking guy in a respirator mask. Designer Island has the Caped Crusader being jerked off within an inch of his life by hot chicks in fancy outfits.

You can have my seat at the multiplex, buddy. I’ll be at home with the laptop.

UPDATE: I originally posted this around midnight eastern time, before all that madness went down in Colorado. In light of those events, it’s not quite as funny. Obviously our thoughts are with everyone impacted by that heinous crime.

1 Comment

  1. Ariel

    July 21, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Why is Batman wearing an outfit that Chrissy wore in episode 18 of Three’s Company?

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