Guest Post: Face-Sitting for Dummies

Lesson one: You should probably lose the pants.

Ass Week continues here at KenandAriel.com, and you probably guessed it wouldn’t be long before my favorite subject came up. That subject being a woman throwing me to the floor (with or without a kick to the genitals) and straddling my face like it was her job. But rather than rambling on about a topic I’ve written mountains of material on, I figgerd we’d turn the microphone over to someone else to get their perpsective. So here’s Gina, the brains (and beauty) behind Cupid’s Laboratory, where she helps people step up their online dating game.

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“Baby, I want you to sit on my face now.”

Most of my girlfriends reallyreally want to hear that invitation from their partner. Offered in a husky whisper and accompanied by an insistent nibble on the ear and a hand conducting the tantalizing overture to the symphony.

Or, if they are in between relationships and tormented by the constant visceral wail of horniness, they might talk about an office crush with a rapturous statement like…”Oh, Dmitri the new Marketing guy is too sexy. I fantasize about washing his flowing hair and sitting on his beautiful, swarthy face.”

Of course, the follow-up to celebrating the pulsating hotness of the face-sitting command/request/suggestion/fantasy would often go something like this:

“But I’d want the lights to be dim.”

“I’d have to really trust him. Makes me feel so… exposed.”

As for me, I never heard that request until I was 43 and newly single. And it wasn’t whispered in my ear. It was typed out in an IM chat by a man I’d never met in person. I was new to dating, and “Brandon” suggested we follow up our OKCupid correspondence with a little evening chat over a glass of wine. He liked to take a little while to get to know a woman in a relaxed way—hear what her day’s been like and learn a bit about what makes her tick—before figuring out schedules and doing the whole first-date thing.

I thought that sounded really nice. Just the thing for the end of a busy week.

So, I was just a little bit surprised when, arriving at my computer with glass of pinot grigio in hand, I saw, in all-caps in my Yahoo Messenger window:

“HI, BABY. JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU SITTING ON MY FACE.”

“??? But I’m quite certain I’ve never sat on any part of you,” I replied.

Followed by a fantasy riff in which Brandon waxed on about how good that would be for both of us. And how expertly and how patiently he would bring me to climax as I straddled his superhuman mouth.

I sipped my wine and waited patiently for him to wrap up his reverie before offering a response. I felt not a smidge of sexual titillation—but I was curious about Brandon and why he’d opened that way.

So, I asked him.

He said he just couldn’t imagine anything sexier than what he was describing and offering me. And, frankly, he was surprised that didn’t turn me on. Maybe I just wasn’t as in touch with my body as most women he meets. Not as sexually emancipated.

And, as much as he hated to say it, maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea for us to meet after all.

Okay, well, hmmm…. “My loss, Brandon. I really do wish you all the best. Xoxo. GTG.”

Brandon was sort of an extreme example—but it’s the extreme examples that are, in my experience, the best teachers. In the panoply of human mating dances, we all (male and female alike) lead with what we think will be most attractive to the person we’re pursuing. Some have better filters than others—or just better instincts. A man wanting to give a woman extraordinary pleasure in a very intimate way is a stunning thing. And, actually, somewhat rare.

But, from where I sit (excuse the bad pun), the key word is “intimate.” Perhaps it’s best not to lead with an all-caps face-sitting IM invite. To wait, instead, until it can be uttered seductively in between nibbles and pinches.

And (tip for the sensitive fetishist) you might even want to begin by admiring her body in some really cute positions before urging her to squat and straddle.

For more of Gina’s work, check out Cupid’s Laboratory.

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