Hand Jobs Throughout The Ages

ancient-egyptian-circumcision

Romeo.
If my heart’s dear love —

Juliet.
Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract to-night:
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say ‘It lightens.’ Sweet, good night!
This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as thou wish to come all over my breast!

Romeo.
O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

Juliet.
What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

Romeo.
The exchange of thy hand’s faithful rub for mine.

Juliet.
I gave thee one before thou didst request it: did thou not feel a gentle lotion upon thy shaft?
And yet I would it were to give again.

Romeo.
Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?

Juliet.
But to be frank, and give it thee again, despite my weary grasp.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more tugs I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
(Nurse calls within)
I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, and you will come again.
(Exit, above.)
——-

Lincoln and his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, sit in their theater box seats for a lively performance of “Our American Cousin.”

Mary.
My dear Abe, you seem distressed and distracted. Whatever is the matter?

Lincoln.
Ah, Mary, it’s this damn war.

Mary.
But Lee has surrendered! And Jefferson Davis has surely fled. Peace is upon us!

Lincoln.
I pray that it is so, my dear. I’m sorry I am not in better spirits. Do you know, I had the strangest dream the other night–

Mary.
Move your chair a little closer to me, Abe. I know just the thing.

Lincoln.
I’m trying to watch the play. There’s supposedly a new actor – Booker? Barth?

Mary.
Just relax…

Lincoln.
Ahhh…Fourscore and…eugghhhhhGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAH!

Mary.
Wow, I knew I was good, but not that good – honey? Dearest? ABE?!?

——

Bella.
I know what you are.

Edward.
Say it. Out loud. Say it.

Bella.
Vampire.

Edward.
Are you afraid?

Bella.
[turns to face Edward ]
No.

Edward.
Then ask me the most basic question: ‘What do we eat?´

Bella.
You won’t hurt me.

Edward.
I’m a killer.

Bella. [follows Edward]
I don’t believe that. I think you’re a man, as well. I mean…

Edward.
Yes, I am still part human, at least, with human needs.

Bella.
Like what?

Edward.
I’ve killed people before.

Bella
Yeah, yeah, I get that. Tell me more about the human needs part. Like…sex?

Edward
I wanted to kill you. I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much in my life.

Bella.
O-K, I think we’ve established that. Now back to the sex part. You like sex?

Edward.
Yes, of course – the urge may not be as strong as bloodlust, but yes, I have a sex drive.

Bella.
And all the parts are in working order?

Edward.
What? Yes!

Bella.
Can I check to make sure?

*A short time later.*

Bella.
I love you and trust you, Edward.

Edward, panting.
I’M GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE.

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