“Hello, Emily Blunt’s Ass!” or “Why I Love British Newspapers”

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Folks, there’s a reason I love the British newspapers so much. It’s because every time a female celebrity walks down the street in tight pants, there’s a photographer ready to capture it and an editor ready to give it prime real estate under a headline like “Emily Blunt Shows Off Pert Derriere.” Which is an actual headline in an actual newspaper on this planet.

I’m not even sure I really knew who Emily Blunt was before reading this piece, to be honest. So this story was not only educational for me (I guess she’s married to that guy from “The Office”), it was also aesthetically pleasing (DAT ASSSSS).

Look, we all know this world’s going straight to hell. I don’t need my local paper to remind me of just how much, we, as a society, have fucked things up. You can keep your stories about drug-pushing nuns and escaped gorilla maulings and gunshots at the casino to yourself. I’d prefer to only hear about pert derrieres and, more specifically, the ratio of pert derrieres to “just okay” derrieres in my neighborhood. Also, the likelihood that one of them might accidentally fall on me.

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