How Casual Sex is Killing Us All

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It’s a hard life with all that screwing, you know.

A new study in The Journal of Sex Research found higher levels of general anxiety, social anxiety and depression among students who recently had casual sex.

To this I can only say: What about the poor fuckers who had no casual sex?

As someone who didn’t exactly get copious amounts of free, casual sex in college, I can say with some authority that all the time I spent not having casual sex filled me with enough anxiety and depression to power a couple of runs to the moon.

The folks who were having casual sex? They seemed pretty fucking happy to me. Meanwhile I was going out of my mind tracing the outline of the thong of the sophomore girls sitting in front of me in Chemistry 101, stammering as the cheerleader squad stuffed their undergarments in the campus washing machines, and generally putting myself out there as “available” and :ready to engage in any kind of sex you ladies may want to throw my way.” All fruitless pursuits.

Would casual sex have made me a better person? Probably not; some folks are just gonna be assholes for life. But it might have made my college days a little less stressful and not subjected me to a life-threatening bout with carpal tunnel syndrome.

I’ve got a lot of sympathy in this heart of mine. But I’m sorry if I can’t spare any for the folks who had lots of casual sex in college. Those lucky motherfuckers.

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