An acquaintance was bragging recently about all the thugs she knew from her hood. “You’d never know it to look at me,” she said smugly, “but some of the crew I ran with – and dated – are most definitely gangsta.” I just looked at her, mostly in shock that she used the word ‘crew’ and it wasn’t in reference to Marky Mark and his Funky Bunch. But also because I’ve been there, done that, and it sure as hell aint all that.
I got involved with a guy who had the requisite tats and the saggy jeans. It wasn’t a style he picked up on the street, but in jail. No, I still don’t know how they stayed up. Dude could run in those things, pick up laundry, etc. and he’d still be selling less crack than me and my high-water thong. He had a rap sheet for sure, and anytime he disappeared for more than 48 hours I knew to check the LA County Sheriff’s website. I never did visit him in prison, mostly because he refused to see me – he knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. And he’s right, I’d just be a blubbering mess. Besides, what do I wear?!?
Anyway, other exciting events involved me getting my car impounded because he drove it with a suspended license, and I had to plead with the detectives to get it out – and pay $500 for the privilege. Then at the ER at 3AM, because he broke his finger or toe or some shit and was threatening the doctors and hospital staff with violence if they didn’t give him more painkillers (they did.) Fights, guns, drugs – oh so glamourous, oh so sexy watching someone hide out or go through withdrawal. And other women? Let’s not even go there. I may be jealous, but I’m not stupid. I like my face scar-free.
The sex? The bomb, of course. No one could out-bang, out-dirty-talk him. But it was hard to relax and just chill with someone who has a death wish. And who keeps disappearing, possibly with your cash. (Gangstas usually don’t work full-time jobs– or at least those with a 401(k) plan.)
So yes, step right up, sign up for Thug Life! Be the bad-azz bitch you always wanted to be. And let me know how that works out for ya.