In the Battle of Beliefs vs. Bike Shorts, Bike Shorts Always Win

I already know that organized religion works overtime to squeeze the fun from life. But there are moments when it crosses the line, threatening something truly dear to my heart.

In Brooklyn, a group of Hasids has been raging against the machine because they don’t like seeing their community overrun by chicks in bike shorts. Which, according to their religious beliefs, is a bad thing.

Even though Gary Coleman taught me at a very young age that it takes Diff’rent Strokes to move the world, I gotta say that any group that’s not down with looking at ladies in bike shorts — or any genre of scantily clad women — is no group for me.

See, if I do any praying it all, it’s that God will send a plague of chicks in bike shorts upon my sleepy-ass town. And if said chicks want to slap me around a bit, force to me to perform manual or oral labor and even polish up their bikes all nice and shiny, even better.

In fact, I blame most of the world’s ills on the fact that there just aren’t enough chicks in bike shorts around. And if said shorts have something saucy written across the backside, like “Team Angel” or “Built for Speed” or “Your Face Here,” even better.

You see, my deity is a benevolent deity who is proud of the fact that he invented the female derriere and wants us all to appreciate his handiwork. After all, who’s got time to fight or covet his neighbor’s goods when there are chicks in bike shorts driving by? One need look no further than the New Testament passage in which Jesus explains, “Before you take up arms against your brother, why not chill the f#$k out and get yourself laid.” Clearly, chicks in bike shorts was a big part of the master plan.

My proposal to bring swift and peaceful closure to this issue is simple: send the female bicyclists my way. Hell, I’ll even shoot down there some weekend and personally re-paint all the bike path lanes so they re-direct the female cyclists away from those who find them offensive and toward my neighborhood, back yard and face. Because life’s too short to not ogle women in bike shorts.

And that’s pretty much the extent of my beliefs.


  1. Skye Blue

    May 8, 2012 at 1:42 am

    So…uhhhm…I have a confession.

    I only realized just now that you two are back in action together on this site. As my twitter game is much weaker than I’d like to admit, up until landing here a minute ago, I was still heading over to Lustmongers in search of the type of funny only you can bring and wondering why you hadn’t written in so long (ridiculous I know). And what’s worse, I see you have us on your blogroll and all.SHEESH.

    Yep I truly suck.But the good news is that at least I know it and plan to correct this problem (at least in part) ASAP by returning the blogroll love 😉

    • Ken

      May 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

      Ms. Blue, nothing can dirty up my love for you. I am simply happy that you’ve found us again.

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