Is It Ever OK To Masturbate While On A Date?

Mary-from-Something-about-Mary
Short answer: No.

There’s a scene in Celeste and Jesse Forever in which Celeste is out on a date with a hipster and they proceed to wine, dine and make out – with a classy finish of him jerking off while he’s on top of her. (It wasn’t Adam Samberg, by the way – we already know he just instantly jizzes in his pants.)

I laughed – or howled with recognition, as those cool writers say. Because yes, it’s happened to me. Out on a date, we had chemistry, we flirted, we drank heavily, and this led to making out very heavily in the back booth of a lounge with only one light bulb (it’s amazing how hot everyone looked!). We were entwined, legs wrapped around each other, when suddenly, he starts humping my leg. I immediately stop sucking his face and look at him in astonishment – is the lower half of his body having some sort of seizure? Is this what they mean by restless legs syndrome? His eyes were closed, or more rolled up in the back of his head, with a sweet stupid smile on his face as he air-banged away. Yes, dear reader, I should have pushed him off, but I was so thrown by what was happening I just sat there…and started to laugh. Watching someone get off, without doing any of the legwork (ahem, sorry) was a novelty, and the facial expressions are pretty priceless (see Jizz My Pants, above.) Also, it was over in about 30.5 seconds. He finished with a big stretch and a sigh, as if he had suddenly awoken from a terrific dream involving the Olsen twins, smiled and whispered, “that was awesome.” At this point, seeing as the show was over, I quickly scooted (scootched?) out from his clutches and mumbled something about being a born-again Christian and a curfew, and made my escape.

Walking towards a cab, I wondered if I should have been more angry, more upset that I had been used as a virtual blow-up doll, a prop in his one-man porno. But if anything I felt kinda bad for the dude. His dating technique, while rife with instant gratification, wouldn’t be getting him laid for real for a very long time.

1 Comment

  1. jamesrowdy29

    October 18, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    I was gonna defend the dude but then I reread it and saw the words “in a lounge”.

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