Lance Armstong: Still Winning Until Further Notice

Attention US Anti-Doping Agency: You really want to punish Lance Armstrong? Screw the banishment and stripping away of titles. Try using some kind of “brain eraser” that can remove every last trace of memory of going down on Sheryl Crow from his mind.

‘Cause honestly, if I was him, you could take away everything I’ve ever done in the record books. I’d just hold a massive press conference and be like, “It’s a shame I’m losing all of my records. Especially the ones that I built up my cardiovascular endurance for by having acrobatic, gravity-defying sex with Sheryl Crow. And, yes, that is Sheryl Crow the rock star who I am referring to. I can only hope that this turn of events does not bring shame upon my family and colleagues, whose health and good fortune I often considered while getting blown by Sheryl Crow, the rock star, in my pool, jacuzzi, library, 3,500 square foot shed, and hovercraft. My only hope is that my fans can continue to look me in the face. Which, I will add, has been sat on by Sheryl Crow like a million times.”

See the photo above? That was Lance’s dinner table for a number of years. You think taking away a couple trophies is gonna ruin his day?

No, sir. I say no.

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