Latest Threat to American Productivity: Office-Friendly Yoga Pants

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I find that lately, I spend an inordinate amount of time at work. And the thing that bothers me most about being at the office — beyond their strict “no masturbation in the hallways” rule — is the total lack of women in yoga pants.

Sure, a few well-arsed women will skirt authority on casual Friday and treat my eyes and cock to an instant circus, but for the most part my job has doomed me to trying to fantasize my way through pairs of wool dress pants. And that can be tough.

So I was excited to read that at least one enterprising fashionista is attempting to make yoga pants more work-friendly. Credit Sarah James of Betabrand, a site that promotes crowd-funding of new fashion concepts, for melding the ass-fondling magic of yoga pants with all the boring stuff you’d expect from work-appropriate dress pants, including belt loops, pockets and zippers.

For professional women who like to catch a quick workout in the afternoon, this is good news. For office creepers like me who have elevated buttocks-ogling to an art form, it is even better news.

The only loser in this case, as I see it, is Corporate America. On the one hand, this is a game changer. Because nothing rallies the troops like yoga pants and ass sweat stains. On the other hand, my productivity is already so low that my boss has on more than one occasion threatened to replace me with a hat rack. Having a veritable yoga pants parade five days a week at the office isn’t gonna do much to push us ahead of the Chinese.

Yes, I love yoga pants. But I think I love America just a little bit more.

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