Meet Your Hosts

Greetings. We are Ken and Ariel. The picture right up there? That’s us. Adorable, no? Plus, we’re drunk. That means we speak the truth. So listen. Closely.

We provide advice. Relationship advice. For you. Yes, we’re talking to you. You, who have for too long stood patiently in the shadows while your friends and neighbors “get some” like you can only dream of. We are maddeningly obsessed with you and helping you. And with drinking. We like that especially.

So, now, the point of this. Our website has been designed to serve as an easy, convenient conduit for you, the “user,” to interact with us, the “hosts,” so that you might become “the playa,” whose sexual prowess is widely noted and who knows a guy in Vegas that can hook you up like this .

So ask us a question. Be not ashamed, Little Trooper. No question is too strange for us. Although, to the dude who keeps asking us if marionettes fuck: We’re not entirely sure, and you’re freaking us out.

“Hello. I’m Ariel. And no, contrary to popular belief, I was not born with opposable nipples. I was raised by my parents, an itinerant real estate agent and his mail order bride. My childhood was a blur, roaming the wilds of Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Billerica, Massachusetts on the run from the law (my father kept getting arrested for placing For Sale signs on random front lawns.) As we moved from place to place I grew up quickly… sometimes in those dark corners of the school cloakroom, or behind the sales racks in the Misses Plus department at WalMart… Let’s just say I soon became an expert in all things ‘biblical,’ and developed quite a voracious appetite for the study of procreation. I cheerfully volunteered my time at the Kinsey Institute, made sandwiches for the local brothel, and spent two years as lead tester at Trojan before defecting to Durex. Six husbands and two Satanic mating rituals later, I’m proud to say that my experience has served me very well in life and love.”

“Hello. I am Ken. Yes, I do work out. Thanks for noticing. And thanks for stopping by. You may be here because you have a problem. In that case, I’d be happy to put my experience to work for you. I’ve been dabbling in the fine art of woman pleasing for several years now, and am prepared to share my secrets with the less aware and noted troglodytes. You may be here because you like a good laugh. Well saddle up, mon ami; Ariel and I are well noted for our synergistic sense of only slightly sardonic humor. Most likely, however, you’re here because your search for the keyword ‘rim job’ turned up this site. In that case, we’ve got you covered as well. So look around, make yourself comfortable, and pour a drink. I’ve got mine, as you can see.”