Most Creative Ways to Exit a One Night Stand

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We’ve all been there. Waking up staring at an unfamiliar ceiling, in an unfamiliar apartment, possibly in a foreign country or across state lines, and with someone we can’t quite remember lying next to us. Sure you could just get up, gather your things, and walk out, but where’s the fun in that? Here are some ways you can make your departure way more memorable than the whiskey-soaked shenanigans that preceded it.

The “Out the Window”: This one’s a pretty good fake. You start by getting up, collecting your things (always wallet and phone first; everything else is replaceable), and making like you’re gonna engage in some awkward banter before walking out the door. But then you turn abruptly toward the open window and jump out, hitting the ground and scampering off like the motherfucking Flash. (Some obvious due diligence, like ensuring that the bedroom is on the first floor, is clearly necessary).

The Ghostly Apparition: By the time morning and/or consciousness hits, there’s still a damn good chance your bedmate couldn’t pick you out of a crowd. Why not leave it that way? Slide a sheet off the bed, cover yourself with it like a dime store ghost, and just walk out. Pausing a moment to raise your hands under the sheet and make “boooooooo” noises might seem charming in theory, but by this point, she probably wouldn’t care if you walked off with a closet full of linens. Just so long as you get the fuck out.

The Stop, Drop and Roll: The same method they taught you at a young age to smother flames can be used to retain your last shreds of dignity. And it’s simple. Roll out of bed onto the floor, out the bedroom door, past the roommates (a hat tip is proper etiquette here), out the front door and into freedom.

The Cable Guy: This one requires a bit of planning, but it’s worth it. Before heading out, put one of those short-sleeve jumpsuits on under your clothes (available at any JC Penney). When you wake up, find the jumpsuit on the floor and put it on (forget the clothes you wore on top it; you’ll be traveling light for this escape). As your bedmate comes to, explain that you’re the cable guy and her roommates called to have the connection checked. When she explains that they don’t have cable, just shrug nonchalantly and say, “Must have the wrong apartment. Sorry.” Then get the fuck out of dodge.

3 Comments

  1. L.A.

    August 8, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    I’ve discovered that you don’t have to worry about the morning after sneak out if you don’t wait until morning. SNEAK OUT RIGHT AFTER THE BOOM BOOM. He’ll be passed out from exhaustion/booze/sex.

    CLEAN EXIT. Except you’ll be like…sex dirty. But besides that.

    • Ken

      August 8, 2013 at 4:58 pm

      Excellent point. I should have stressed that getting out before daylight is ALWAYS the preferred option.

      • L.A.

        August 9, 2013 at 11:03 am

        To quote Steve Miller Band. I get my lovin’ on the run.

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