Much Love to the Spitters AND the Swallowers

Man, fruit gets all the breaks.

I was out drinking with some female friends this weekend. Of course, as it always does when I’m buying, the subject turned to blowjobs. And whether ’tis nobler to spit or swallow.

For what it’s worth, the group of ladies was about 70-30 percent in favor of swallowing. Then they started nagging me for my opinion.

My first response was, “Hey, none of you are blowing me, so I honestly don’t care what you do.” But they pressed on and, as I so often do when women press on, I caved.

The allure of having a chick swallow can be almost certainly traced back to porno flicks. As a young, impressionable guy, you see the likes of Nina Hartley and Jenna Jameson doing it all the time, so, goddam it, you figure, I need a little of that action, too!

But, honestly, I put in so many hours just trying to get some chick interested in, to put it technically, the extraction of my spunk, I can’t conjure enough energy to concern myself with how she chooses to dispose of it.

As I see it, any woman who bothers to take my worthless dick in her mouth for the purpose of pleasuring me has already earned my respect and admiration. Once she’s done, whether she wants to swallow, spit, rinse it down the sink with a cup of Listerine or store it in a vat for some twisted science experiment is up to her. All I ask is that she figure something out before moving in to kiss me.

The only red flag that gets raised by me during a blowjob concerns her teeth. Because any hummer during which I’m fearing for the safety of my johnson is no hummer at all. In such instances, I’m all for the direct approach: either telling her, “Please, in the name of all that is holy, stop treating my junk like some goddam chew toy,” or employing a blood-curdling scream whenever she blows me.

But if I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that he who critiques a woman’s blowjob technique risks total shut-off. So I tread lightly, my friends. I tread lightly.

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