There are three things I truly, deeply, madly love:
2) Women who allow me to go down on them
3) Exceptional grammar and spelling
My ongoing efforts to somehow combine all of these things into an orgy of awesome have been failing. But I thought I came close this weekend.
There’s a local record shop — yes, they still exist — that I’ve been trolling for years. Mostly because they have an exceptionally eclectic assortment of vintage 80s pop (you really can’t appreciate the work of Nu Shooz until you’ve heard them on vinyl). But, lately, the reason for my visits has been the woman working the counter. She looks to be about 30, pretty and tall with no boobs and a killer ass (my wheelhouse), and while my obsession with her has not quite crossed into restraining order territory, it’s getting dangerously close.
Anyway, I’d been looking for an excuse to talk her up since last winter, so on Saturday, as I shuffled to the counter with a couple purchases, I made my move.
Ken: Hey, do you do the lettering for the signs in your window?
Her: The what?
Ken: The sign in your window? [Pointing] That one right there?
Ken: How come “CD’s” has an apostrophe?
Ken: Well, an apostrophe is typically used to show possession or a contraction. So “CD’s” would either mean that something belongs to the CD or be the shortened form of “CD is.”
Ken: It’s kind of funny, actually. I see it all the time. I’m sure I’m not the first one to point it out, heh.
Her: You are. That’s ten bucks.
Ken: Okay. Em. [Handing her a couple bills.]
And that was that. I skulked out, and spent the rest of the day feeling guilty or at least upset that I hadn’t somehow worked at least a passing reference to facesitting into our conversation. Later that evening, I found myself wandering past the store again, and saw a new, gramatically-correct sign in the window. Proud, I bounded in the door only to be greeted by a different girl behind the counter.
Ken: You guys fixed your sign!
Her: Our what?
Ken: The sign [Pointing.]
Her: Oh, yeah. The girl who works here during the day said some douchebag nerd told her “CDs” was spelled wrong.
And just like that, I humbly crossed another name off my “women I’m hoping to bone” list.