My Love of Good Grammar Still Not Getting Me Laid

There are three things I truly, deeply, madly love:

1) Women
2) Women who allow me to go down on them
3) Exceptional grammar and spelling

My ongoing efforts to somehow combine all of these things into an orgy of awesome have been failing. But I thought I came close this weekend.

There’s a local record shop — yes, they still exist — that I’ve been trolling for years. Mostly because they have an exceptionally eclectic assortment of vintage 80s pop (you really can’t appreciate the work of Nu Shooz until you’ve heard them on vinyl). But, lately, the reason for my visits has been the woman working the counter. She looks to be about 30, pretty and tall with no boobs and a killer ass (my wheelhouse), and while my obsession with her has not quite crossed into restraining order territory, it’s getting dangerously close.

Anyway, I’d been looking for an excuse to talk her up since last winter, so on Saturday, as I shuffled to the counter with a couple purchases, I made my move.

Ken: Hey, do you do the lettering for the signs in your window?

Her: The what?

Ken: The sign in your window? [Pointing] That one right there?

Her: Yeah.

Ken: How come “CD’s” has an apostrophe?

Her: Huh?

Ken: Well, an apostrophe is typically used to show possession or a contraction. So “CD’s” would either mean that something belongs to the CD or be the shortened form of “CD is.”

Her: Okay.

Ken: It’s kind of funny, actually. I see it all the time. I’m sure I’m not the first one to point it out, heh.

Her: You are. That’s ten bucks.

Ken: Okay. Em. [Handing her a couple bills.]

And that was that. I skulked out, and spent the rest of the day feeling guilty or at least upset that I hadn’t somehow worked at least a passing reference to facesitting into our conversation. Later that evening, I found myself wandering past the store again, and saw a new, gramatically-correct sign in the window. Proud, I bounded in the door only to be greeted by a different girl behind the counter.

Ken: You guys fixed your sign!

Her: Our what?

Ken: The sign [Pointing.]

Her: Oh, yeah. The girl who works here during the day said some douchebag nerd told her “CDs” was spelled wrong.

And just like that, I humbly crossed another name off my “women I’m hoping to bone” list.


  1. Jemma

    July 2, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Oh my. Grammar (correct grammar) and spelling is hot. Bad spelling is one of the main reasons I delete dating profiles on Match – if they can’t spell, I’m dubious as to their ability to do anything else of any great importance.

    • Ken

      July 2, 2012 at 10:06 am

      A woman after my own heart.

  2. Jennifer

    July 2, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Yet, ironically, none of your dialogue is within quotation marks.

    • Ken

      July 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

      That was an homage to the Great American Playwrights, to be read as stage direction instead of straight dialogue.

      • Jennifer

        July 2, 2012 at 10:26 am

        If that’s the case then the names of the characters should have been capitalized.

        • Ken

          July 2, 2012 at 10:33 am

          Shaw’s original works had character names in lower case. “It’s an artistic statement,” he explained. This is my homage to him.

          • Jennifer

            July 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

            You chose to pay homage to a man who nominated Stalin for a Nobel Peace Prize and once said “Our question is not to kill or not to kill, but to select the right people to kill…” Interesting.

          • Ken

            July 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

            Huh? I’m talking about Lenny Shaw (AKA Larry Pontoons III), the Brooklyn poet and playwright. Get yer facts straight.

  3. Suzyn

    July 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    I would hope you hit on the new counter girl. Just to prove a point.

  4. Liz Casey

    October 25, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Don’t give up, Ken. You can have it all: impeccable grammar and a woman who will sit on your face regularly. This is America, goddammit.

    • Ken

      October 26, 2012 at 5:54 am

      I can only hope, LC. I can only hope.

  5. Jake

    November 1, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Unfortunately, your pedantic douchebaggery was misplaced here. An appostrophe before a plural s is permitted (though not required) when the word being pluralized is a capitalized initialism like CD.

    • Jake

      November 1, 2012 at 9:11 pm

      And in the grand tradition of pedants being screwed by their own petard (or whatever), I misspelled ‘apostrophe’ in my last comment.

      • Meleuphonious

        November 2, 2012 at 4:07 pm

        Utterly wet knickers about the thought of cunnilingus and the Oxford comma together at last. Don’t give up, Ken.

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