Nothing Drops Property Values Like Noisy Sex

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Apparently I’ve been playing this real estate game all wrong. Day after day, I ask my Realtor to hook me up with a place where I can either hear the ocean waves, the crowd at the football game, or the sound of people banging.

Turns out, however, that the sounds of fucking are the last thing that people shopping for homes want to hear. In fact, a new survey indicates that “living next door to couples who indulge in noisy sex on most nights is considered a turn-off by 43 percent of home hunters.”

The story goes on to say that, “So annoying is the sound of neighbourly love, almost half of the house-hunters polled said they wouldn’t put up with it, even if a massive discount was offered.”

By comparison, 31 percent said they wouldn’t want to live next to a noisy highway.

So let me get this straight: toxic fumes, honking horns, screeching tires and the ever-present possibility that some jerk’s gonna knock on your door at four am because his car broke down is more acceptable than waking up to some orgasmic shouting over the hedges? Even when thousands of dollars are knocked off the price of the house?

I call bullshit. As I see it, living next door to constant fuckers not only helps set the mood if I’m lucky enough to con a woman into coming over, it also sets up all sorts of possibilities when the guy next door is way on business and his wife is braying at the moon.

So go on and ignore these highly-valued homes, house hunters. That just creates an even bigger buyers’ market for me.

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