Open Letter to the Woman Whose Ass I Wasn’t Staring at on the Subway This Morning

World’s luckiest pole?

Okay, first of all, I don’t use public transportation that often. I’ve been out in the MILF-packed burbs for close to a decade now and depend largely on my car to get me between points. But with morning and afternoon meetings downtown today, opting for the train just made sense, logistically.

Being out of practice, I hopped aboard without anything to read. I had the friggin’ sports section in my hands when I headed out, but I finished it off at the station and foolishly dropped it in the barrel. And my phone chose the most inopportune moment to go “please connect your charger immediately, asshole” on me. So I was left in that netherworld of sitting and staring straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with all the twisted, babbling, coffee-snorting goons around me.

As you might recall, when you got on, I did offer you my seat. You declined, and proceeded to turn and position your ample hindquarters in my direct line of vision. So direct, in fact, the only way to NOT look at your arse would have been to either swivel around and face the 90-year-old trout fisherman sitting next to me [yes, the same guy who kept announcing to us all that he had every episode of “Match Game 78” on tape], or crane my neck to inspect the car ceiling. Which I did.

But I was cool with this. Until you turned around and gawked at me as if I was trying to swipe your purse. So you “harumph” and sashay to the other side of the car, and suddenly I’m the official pervert of the subway car.

Thing is, though, I was innocent.

Yes, your ass was spectacular and hypnotic and under any other circumstances (say, had I met you in a bar, the laundromat, or in line at Burger King), I’d have carved out my own eye-teeth just to press my hands to it. But I wasn’t staring at it. Not this time.

Okay, yeah, I’m the guy with a widely-noted ass weakness. And, sure, everyone on that train will no doubt be sitting at the dinner table talking all about the big Irish doof who basically undressed this poor young lass with his sinister eyes. But I stand comfy in the knowledge that it simply wasn’t so.

Also: great ass, whoever you are.

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