Open Letter to the Woman in the Iams Dog Food Commercial


First things first: I am a huge supporter of our American armed forces. To me, the folks who keep this country safe for yoga pants and Tim Allen sitcoms are doing God’s work.

I also love the animals. All creatures great and small are welcome in my backyard, and as a dog-owner, I’ll confess to having a soft-spot for man’s best friend.

That said, the ad in which you return from active duty only to get dry-humped by your giant shaggy dog is absolutely horrifying to me.

Look, I know what the ad’s trying to convey. You’ve been a long time out of country, and your furry pal’s been pining for his owner. It’s a moving message and something any pet owner or decent American can relate to. But surely there are better ways to convey this than showing your over-sized dog essentially mount you right on the goddam driveway. What about a spirited game of catch? Or a good ol’ scratch-behind-the-ears? I miss my dog a lot when I’m gone, but I’ll be damned if he ever gets a full ball press when I return from a long business trip.

Perhaps the most unsettling thing about this commercial is the size of the dog, which gives me a real “skeevy dude in a dime store Chewbacca costume” vibe. And don’t even get me started on how seamlessly the dog’s fur blends into your camo outfit, which, from certain angles, makes the two of you look like something that might be chasing people around a spaceship in a 1980’s sci-fi film.

I’m sure there are people who love this commercial. And I’ll admit there’s enough there to give a hearty tug to any animal lover’s heartstrings. But to me, it’s the closest thing prime time TV will ever get to borderline beastiality.

On top of that, yes, I’m kinda jealous of the dog. But that’s beside the point.

1 Comment

  1. Courtney

    November 10, 2013 at 8:50 am

    That commercial makes me tear up. Not now. Thanks.

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