There are a lot of questions that haunt my sleep. Things like, “What if my crazy ex-girlfriend ever gets out of prison?” and “Do you think she’s actually done this before?” and “Why is Whitney still on the air?”
But the biggest mystery of them all is, “How do guys who have secured fake testicles to the back of their pick-up trucks get laid?”
This past weekend, I made the rounds in Newport, watching the beautiful people frolic and swigging freely from the pint bottle in my coat pocket. At one bar, I had my eye on a red-haired older women, probably in her mid-to-late 40s, with a diabolically curvaceous ass and bright lipstick. I was just about drunk enough to ask if those were her real teeth (my best opening line), when some dude swept in and sat down next to her. Apparently, they were together, and I watched them canoodle before heading out of the bar. Realizing I should be on my way as well, I trailed them for a bit (in a totally non-stalkerish way) toward the parking lot, where she hopped into his Toyota truck… which had a pair of those goofy-ass testicles dangling from the hitch.
Ladies, honestly: why is this not a deal breaker? I once brought a girl back to my place and she refused to sit on my face after spying a collection of Lost In Space DVDs on my coffee table. “You’re one of those sci-fi nerds?” she asked, fastening her jeans, causing my erection to crumble faster than the French in World War II. Yet a woman will happily take a ride from a guy whose car has fake balls?
Bizarre as it sounds, I can totally understand why guys purchase and apply these fake truck balls–because deep down, we–as a gender–are fucking idiots. But ladies willingly sleeping with guys who sport these things on their ride? Inexcusable.