Quick Tips to Keep Christmas Sexy


The holidays are all about dashing through snow, gulping down nog, bullshit gifts from your office Secret Santa and death by Bing Crosby. But the opportunistic folks among us (or, as the French call us, “pervs”) know that Christmas is also a great time to raise your sex game. Here are just a few ideas:

Mistletoe on the Belt-buckle: A time-honored favorite, often done wrong by amateurs who adopt it as a lame dinner party gag. If you’re gonna roll with this, you’ve got to go all in, wearing it 24/7 from Black Friday through to New Year’s Eve at the office, the grocery store, the casino, or wherever you find yourself wandering aimlessly. Upside: increased probability of impromptu oral sex. Downside: it might be from a homeless person.

Remember That Sex Makes a Great Gift: With money tighter than ever, there’s never been a better time to let folks know that you’re willing to accept cheap physical contact in lieu of an expensive present.

Charity Work: Walk up to the woman collecting donations for the Salvation Army. Tell her, “I’ve got something I’d like to put in your bucket.” Move your hips suggestively as your friend beatboxes Keith Sweat’s “Nobody.” Bow at the conclusion of the song, then place iHop coupons in donation bucket.

Perfect Your Holiday Sex Face: You know the one.


A Sleigh Ride, But In Your Bed: All you need is a pile of blankets, a couple leather jingle bell straps, a reasonably priced horse costume, 14 gallons of lube and some understanding neighbors.

The “Musical Interlude”: During the office holiday party, amuse your coworkers by performing “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” on a xylophone. After the song, clear your throat and explain, “Even though the song is about two front teeth, what I really want for Christmas is to fuck every woman in this office.” For added dramatic effect, punctuate the statement by pointing to a random office mate and exclaiming, “Starting with you.”

“It’s a Wonderful Life: The Sex Game”: Lose an article of clothing whenever George Bailey yells, “Mary!” Smear chocolate over your breasts whenever Mr. Potter acts like a prick. See how many candy canes you can hang on your junk whenever Uncle Billy forgets something important. Bonus points to any player who can time his or her orgasm to sync with the line, “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.”

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