Ripped from today’s Missed Connections


My Hoodsie Queen on the Orange Line
You: 5’5”, with the Revere claw and black stirrup pants. Me: 5’2″, Iron Maiden T-shirt, ball-crushing tight jeans. You stood on my foot the entire subway ride and I got completely shitfaced off your Aqua Net All Weather Hair Spray. When I grabbed your ass as you headed for the exit, you shoved me and yelled “Faaak You!” It was the sweetest thing I’d ever heard. If you’d still like to faak me, email me at douchebag22@hotmail.com.

Mr. Wonderful at 228 State Street
I see you every morning at 8:30 AM in the West Tower elevators. On November 17th you said “Man, it’s cold.” On February 25th your arm brushed mine as you pressed your floor button. On June 6th you held the doors for me. OK sunshine, no need to drop any more hints, I get it: you’re in love with me. My girlfriends agree it’s sooo obvious, you’re just shy. Email me at delusional1@aol.com so we can make your fantasy a reality. If you’re too shy to email me, I’ll just have to take matters into my own hands tomorrow morning. BTW, I know where you live.

Superhot in the Supermarket
I saw your big, luscious bottom in Aisle Five as you bent over trying to reach the last Vanilla Ultra Slim Fast shake on sale. My heart was doing backflips. I love your easy-access-snaps-up-the-front housecoat. I’m glad you’ve decided to go natural, letting your Nice N’ Easy home color job grow out. And don’t think I don’t notice how you linger in Aisle Seven by the Hostess products. I see how you pick them up and squeeze them. I even caught you licking the plastic wrap, my dirty, dirty girl. I can tell you’re also the intellectual type–you’re always reading Star or Enquirer in the checkout line. I know you’re trying to be good, honey, with your cart always loaded with low-carb Doritos and Fat Free Snackwells. But I want all that junk in the trunk. Email me at iheartlildebbies@yahoo.com, or just wait for me by the Krispy Kreme display. I got a dozen creme fillings with your name on them.

2 Comments

  1. Nikki B

    April 25, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Lick that plastic wrap, you dirty dirty girl.

    (ah-mazing).

  2. Ariel

    April 25, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Lolz Hostess sounds pretty good right now! (breakfast time!)

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