Saturday Night

Fuck Yeah

I’m bloated ‘cuz I could be getting my period but most likely it’s because of Kettle Chips new “Tias!” collection which are ‘healthy’ tortilla chips with organic ingredients but really who the fuck am I kidding, they’re glorified Doritos so I slap on leggings and a slip dress for girth instead of Monostat jeans and head out to meet my friends, wishing we were going to the usual divey spot where I can slug PBR and get toasted and burp and fart but whatever, this place is cool and sometimes the gods (a.k.a. the bartenders) bless me with free drinks,

so I’m sitting at the end of the bar and how’d I end up with all couples and why am I still sober and some dude has squished in between me and the server station which is really annoying so I will. not. turn. around but then my friend does and her eyes widen like she’s found $20 on the sidewalk and she starts nudging me so now I really won’t turn around because it’s better to be cool ICE COLD! than to show that I’m truly terrified of good-looking men who can annihilate my self esteem with just a quick once-over flick of the lids, a blink in dismissal and turn away so better to be cool ICE COLD! then to suffer the slings and arrows of cruel fate or however that fucking Shakespeare quote goes, and the next thing I know my girl is engaged in an all-out THUMB WAR with the dude and drinks are falling and her husband is none too pleased and dude is now talking to me and it just got super crowded alluvasudden so we’re REALLY close and he’s giving me the intense BLUE STEEL stare and I’m positive that my breath is still tinged with Kettle Chips (Tias!) and why the fuck didn’t I wax my mustache, or at least bleach the fucker and it turns out this dude’s an actor so I actually breathe a sigh of relief because of course you are and now I can not only go back to being ice princess with smug nerdy superiority, I know in my heart of hearts you just can’t see me on your arm at the movie premiere, it’s just not conducive to your career oh shit he’s doing the BLUE STEEL intensity again and saying “Ariel, I’d really like to see you again” so I laugh/snort and play it off by saying, “Yeah, sure! We can all hang out again! You can join our posse!” and now he looks totally confused and says, “Wait, what? I don’t understand what you’re saying, I’m asking if we can hang o–” then his phone buzzes and he starts to text, and text and the phone’s buzzing more than my vibrator and he’s taking big swigs of his drink and texting furiously like the next Hemingway and my friends, thinking I was finally gonna get some had given me wide berth so now I have no one to talk to, I look like I’m on a bad 1st date with a dude on his phone, and no wonder because I’m bloated and gassy (did the Kettle Chips (Tias!) have real cheese on them?) and my mustache is probably also throwing people off and suddenly this dude’s totally loaded and just yelling at his phone so I get up and say Peace Out and go find my friends, who pat me on the shoulder and buy me a drink and shake their heads and say, man, I’m glad I’m not single but then if I wasn’t y’all wouldn’t have anything to READ!

1 Comment

  1. Simone

    April 18, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    there are far better places to burp and fart, and meet a nice looking guy!

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