Save a Bull, Ride a Cowboy


So this weekend I went to one of those bars with a mechanical bull. It’s a nice change from those horrific Karaoke bars. In fact, I’m surprised no one has combined the two; watching someone try to belt out “I Will Survive” as they are thrown face-first into a nearby wall is my idea of a good time.

So this guy gets on. He waves and tries to hang on to what’s left of his manhood as the machine is set to Mach-3 and he’s catapulted somewhere north of Pluto in 2.5 seconds. What a record.

Then a girl gets on. She’s a tomboy, has a flat chest and is wearing a turtleneck. The machine goes slow, then tires of her lack of jiggle and throws her off towards a nearby alternative bookstore.

Then–and this becomes the main theme of the evening–another girl gets on. She’s big on top and is lacking…a bra. In fact, I’m wondering if that’s part of the requirement to ride the bull–like there’s a trash bin next to the sign-up table filled with Vickie’s Secret push-ups. So she’s drunk, and waving like it’s the 1996 Madison County Beauty Pageant all over again. And the machine starts up, verrrry sloooooowly. It turns in a graceful, gentle 360, making sure that every guy in the place gets an eyeful of those two great bastions of the plastic surgery industry. Then it rocks, back and forth, surprisingly seductive for a matted, nasty throw rug and a cow’s head with a bad perm and plastic horns. She giggles and rocks accordingly, her boobs doing their best to keep up.

This goes on for a good 20 minutes. And just when I begin to wonder if I’ve dropped acid and am actually in TJ at the donkey show, they spot another lucky contestant, throw the switch to 11 and she splats ass-first near the men’s room.

Did Ariel, snarky commentator, have the cojones to ride the bull? Of course not. She was too busy chatting up the drunk frat boys, who, unlike the bull, would at least buy her a drink first.

1 Comment

  1. Chappy Peaches

    October 29, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Dearest Ariel,

    Were saddling it up at Saddle Ranch I wonder? ;o

    Giddy up cowgirl!!!

    Xo,

    MZ

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