Sex Before Marriage is SUCH a Bad Idea, You Guys

So I was in Church yesterday, where I’m usually at every day, and I was just doing my prayer thang, and it went something like this: Sweet Baby Jesus, I appreciate you going all Walking Dead on us so we could have this awesome Easter thing and I get to wear pastels, but man! People have GOT to stop with the pre-marital sex! Amirite, Baby J?

He didn’t answer. But I think He totally agrees. I mean, sex (between a man and a woman, missionary style only, of course) is something that not only are single people not ready for, they’re just not WORTHY. I mean, who do they think they are, running around, partying, shopping, doing laundry without a care in the world, while the married people are slaving away so they can buy that new house/car/Disney cruise that is so desperately needed? Anyway, I think sex was only created for married people. They put the time in, they’re punching a clock, day in, day out, therefore they deserve it more.

And here’s the other thing. Single people tend to have sex with more than one person. Sometimes at the same time! I don’t think that’s what God and His Flaming White Pigeon and His cool dude Son intended when they created sex. I think they also knew it was pretty dirty and gross, so best to keep it behind closed doors like at a married couple’s house, where only the two of them have to deal with it, you know, like dirty diapers. Not this brazen flaunting of the sex and the screwing on Spring Break or on The View. Disgusting.

And no, the big guys upstairs did NOT mean for us to have…ughIcanbarelytypethis….sex toys. Sex and toy should not be even in the same sentence, much less the same room! If God had wanted us to have sex toys then our left arms would have been dildos. Try sending an email with a dildo and see how that works out. Yeah, I thought so. And don’t even get me started on the Fleshlight. The batteries keep falling out and the light never works. What a waste of good money. Probably made in China.

Anyway, I know you must be saying, well Ariel, I guess you’re a sinner because you’ve been having premarital sex this entire time! And I say to you, oh yeah? show me the pictures. Because you don’t know me, I could just have an overactive imagination and turned off the safe search on the Google. And whatever, I’m waiting now. I’ve put in an order at the Male-Mail-Order-Groom out of Northern Siberia (near Alaska, for those of you not really good at geometry) and I should be getting Haikuny Yesloistovichian Stnsiffollyisk any day now. And no, you dirty sinners are NOT invited to my wedding.


  1. tru5kawka

    April 10, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    See Ariel, nobody likes this post and we are scared of u now! Write sth dirty ASAP!!!!

    • Ariel

      April 10, 2013 at 11:54 pm

      hahaha – i had a day of momentary insanity. I apologize. Shit fuck damn, jizz cum. Feel better?

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