Sexual Harassment in the Workplace: Wrong, But Nonetheless Encouraged

Actual screencap from actual sexual harassment vid I was actually forced to watch. For my job.

Last week, as part of our company’s new “let’s cut down on the blowjob jokes when clients are in the building” campaign, management — of which, amazingly, I am a part — was required to view an online sexual harassment tutorial.

Sadly, it wasn’t an educational piece, designed to help me coax Laurie from finance out of her business suit. Instead, it was a painfully explanatory piece on what constitutes “unwanted harassment in the workplace” [Surprise! You shouldn’t look at porno on your iPad during a meeting or grab your co-workers’ boob while she’s reaching for sugar in the cabinet over the coffee machine].

The video was amazingly hilarious, and my only regret is that I couldn’t somehow capture the fucker and post it all here. But I think the screenshot presented above pretty much gets the point across. (And, because I know you’re wondering, I chose “B.” Because that’s the right answer.)

Look, joking aside, I know what’s right and wrong, especially in regards to my job. But when it comes to unwanted sexual harassment in the workplace, I think the key word is “unwanted.” Honestly, I think there are plenty of folks in my office who show up purely for the chance that they might be sexually harassed.

Swing a stick and you can hit at least fifteen female coworkers who seem to treat their eight hours away from the hubby and four kids as if they’re heading to a combination Bon Jovi concert/vodka dance party, with their hair teased up for miles, tighter-than-tight skirts and pants, and heels that would make any stripper jealous.

I’ve often wondered who these women were dressing up for, until I reached the conclusion that it was me. And every other guy in the building. Yes, even Clive from accounting. They seem to be asking — nay, begging — for one of us to complement them on their physical attributes. And that’s when HR has to step in and quash the good times.

Not cool. Because, as I see it, nothing makes the day move faster than a random “nice ass!” or hearing a couple girls in sales making cunnilingus jokes. In fact, I say bring this shit up at hiring time.

That’s right. All new employees should be warned: “Work here, and we will speak openly about your ass, examine your package daily, and, if liquored up enough, possibly try to bang you in the copy room. If you have a problem with any of that, perhaps WalMart would be a better match for you.”

Who wouldn’t want to work for a company like that?

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