Sexy Valentine Action: How to Eat Ice Cream Off a Woman’s Ass!

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Okay, listen. I like ice cream. I like ass. So really, it was only a matter of time until I concocted some Costanza-esque way to enjoy them both simultaneously. But as I learned just a couple nights ago, when eating ice cream off a woman’s ass, you should keep a few things in mind.

1) Roll with vanilla. Trust me on this. Chocolate is just too weird and if you’re into Mocha Latte Crunch with Teaberry Leaves then you’re probably not into chicks anyway. So, vanilla.

2) Go high-grade. Listen, it’s hard to find a woman who will let you eat her ass. It’s even harder to find one who’ll consent to having ice cream dolloped on her backside while you make like Jughead from the Archie comics. So spend a few extra bucks and roll with the Ben & Jerry’s or the Haagen-Daz to mark this occasion. This ain’t the time for that yellow “Stop and Shop” house brand vanilla.

3) Scoop some out gently with your fingers and let it fall onto the thick of her buttocks. In the name of all that is holy, don’t try to stuff it into her rectum like you’re filling a goddam canoli. Part of the fun is watching it gently cascade down her curves, and stopping it with your tongue before it dips too far south. Just like our ancestors did before God invented television and Entertainment Weekly.

4) If you decide to ask her to flip over so you can try this on her holiest of holies, remember that ice cream is “motherfucking colder than a fucking iceberg packed with ice, you fucking prick!” when applied to her more sensitive regions. Or so I’ve been told.

5) As attentive as your tongue may be, there will always be stray ice cream on her skin. After a while, this becomes sticky. Make sure that there’s a shower or at the very least a few moist towelettes nearby, lest she be shuttled off to Mass General to have her pants spot-welded off her body the next day.

If you take one thing away from this, let it be the vanilla. Always roll with vanilla.

My name’s Ken. And I approve this message.

1 Comment

  1. Nuno

    February 14, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Thanks for the tips Ken! Who knows, maybe some day…?

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