Talk Talk

"I just wanna stay home with you and stare into your eyes...."

“I just wanna stay home with you and stare into your eyes….”

After a particularly rousing day of LARP-ing internet porn, the dude turned to me and said, very matter-of-factly: “So, you know, I don’t think I can do a relationship or anything, but if you want to just get together from time to time and have sex, I’d be totally down with that.”
I looked at him, my face screwed up tight with a mixture of studied nonchalance, deep, soul-weary disappointment, and confusion. “How dare he?!? I am so much MORE than just a–wait, isn’t that what we’ve been doing, this whole time? Is this his way of asking me…for a non-relationship-relationship?”

Anyway, it turned out I wasn’t down with that, since he put it THAT WAY.

Why, you ask. He was just being honest.

Here’s why: I am basically the feral cat in your alley, who’s all yowl-ly and cagey and won’t let you get near me, and no, I don’t need your stinkin’ milk or your pity, I’m just FINE out here, all by mysel’, all alone…in this cold, miserable, loveless world…can I please have a cuddle? DON’T TOUCH ME! Hissssss…

I talk a real good game, am chock-full of bravado and bad-assery and piss-poor beer, but just a hair underneath I’m truly as sappy and as gelatinous as those, dare I say it, Lifetime movies. I want to be swept off my feet. I love drama and passion, and by God, if you won’t give it to me, I will invent it for my enjoyment.

You are a one-night Stan, in the mood for a little nookie, and I conveniently morphed into the 10 at 2 from the former 2 at 10? No. Oh, no-no-no-no. YOU, saw ME, across a crowded bar, and my quick turn of my head and the tinkle of my laughter (OK, fine, hearty guffaws) made your heart skip a beat and made you catch your breath as you strained for a closer look. You waited, you hoped, you prayed–until, at last, I deigned to give you a glance, a look, an opening. And you took it. By God, you took it. And you weren’t going to miss this one chance of a Lifetime(tm). You’d take me home, you’d do whatever it took to prove your love, your worthiness, your strong certainty that YOU and I were meant to BE. In this very moment.

One-night Stan’s POV: Ariel being fucked on the lip of the bathroom sink. One-night Stan is grunting, trying to keep his dick inside of her and wondering why the fuck they couldn’t have just gone to the bedroom like he suggested. And why, he wonders, does she keep making me tell her how I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her? Shit, I just noticed her at last call, she’s the only chick left in the place with two working legs.

Yes, I’m a sucker for fantasy. Even if stupid reality tries to kill my good vibes. I will turn any hum-drum intercoursal-encounter into a fucking 50-Shades of Gray anthology. That’s why the dude who suggested we have sex the same way you’d suggest going to the gym just destroyed me. Dude, if you want to get laid with Ariel.com on a regular basis, THIS is what you say:

“Ariel. (sigh.*) I don’t know how to put this. It’s so–hard. So difficult. But, I know that you get me, that you understand me, so, here goes. (sigh.)

Ariel, I’m a broken man. I’ve lived a life full of hardships, of great pain and heartache. I don’t know if I can go through that again. (sigh.) Sorry, give me a moment…

OK, thanks. Yes, thanks for the kleenex. Anyway, I just don’t know at this moment if I have what it takes to be in a truly intimate, stable relationship. With anyone. God, I’m such a mess! A mess. No, let me finish. But I can’t, CAN’T imagine not having your beautiful, naked body next to mine, your soft hands caressing my back, waking up next to you…Maybe, we could–I don’t know, just try to be there for each other in a, I don’t know, a physical way, to ease the pain, the loneliness…I know I should just give you up, let you go, but for a part of me, it’s just really, really HARD. (sigh.) I’ll respect your decision, whatever you choose. (sigh.)” Aaand, scene.

Dude, if I’m not riding your cock like a clown at the rodeo by the third sentence, there is something SRSLY wrong with me. Or your delivery sucks and you need to watch more Lifetime!

*sighs are like the bubbles to my bath water – the bigger, the better!

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