Thanks, Women in Yoga Pants, For Ruining Everything

twobroke

As a cog in the corporate machine, I am typically too busy to pay attention to each and every edict that rolls down from Mount HR. I know the basics: Pants are to be kept on at all times, burying your face in a female coworker’s chair is bad, and, unless you’re Bo or Luke Duke, moonshine has no place in the workspace.

But every once in a while something comes down that tells me HR might be getting a little too drunk with power. For example, today, my company refined its dress code to discourage women who would wear yoga pants or “stretchy spandex leggings” to work.

I know what you’re thinking. “That only makes sense, Ken. After all, it’s a place of business. You’ve got to project a professional image.”

To that I say “bullshit.” Knowing that some of the shapelier women in my office are going to be cavorting down the halls in their finest yoga pants is just the kind of shit that fills me with professional pride. I do my job better, stronger and faster when I know that I can occasionally duck away from my desk to visit “Thong Row,” which is what I affectionately call the block of 7 or 8 cubicles in Finance that house the building’s most highly-regarded–and yoga pants sportin’–women.

Sure, there’s always the chance that the blood that has rushed from my noggin to fuel my all-day hard-on will impact productivity. But I’ll bet that me and my mates would still run circles around any place of business in which the women were on a strict diet of frocks and long skirts.

Interestingly, a good friend who happens to work in HR dropped a hint that this ruling came not from a desire to spiff up the company image but rather a feeling that the increasingly large number of yoga pants-clad derrieres was becoming a distraction to the menfolk. Again, I call BS. If I have any distractions throughout the day, it’s that management’s gonna wise up and replace my sorry ass with a robot or outsource everything we do to six guys named “Piyesh,” not the thin piece of fabric separating my face from the mailroom girl’s insanely round rump.

Alarmingly, some folks are looking to break women of the spandex habit before it can even take hold. In fact, a high school in Minneapolis recently outlawed skin-tight spandex leggings, claiming that they drawn the male students’ minds from their work. (The article goes on to say that skin tight jeans are fine, because “denim doesn’t provide the definition that leggings and spandex do,” which only confirms my theory that SPANDEX KICKS DENIM’S ASS.)

This is madness. Folks, yoga pants are not the problem. If women came to work/school/the casino wearing trash bags and football helmets, we’d still stare at them. Because we’re guys. That’s pretty much all we do, outside of starting the occasional war. Putting the blame on yoga pants only cuts down on the number of women in yoga pants I get to view on any given day. And when that number drops below twenty, motherfucker, I get ornery.

Hopefully the women in my office will rally for their right to rock the tights. Fuck, I’ve spent half the afternoon offering to paint signs, brew coffee or serve as an impromptu couch for any female coworkers/yoga pants enthusiasts who wanted to rage against the machine. So far, only one woman has taken me up on it; some others simply kicked me in the nuts and moved on. So, as you can see, the violence that is inherent in a workplace devoid of women in yoga pants is already taking hold.

You can take away the sugary drinks in the vending machines, move the smoking lounge twenty yards outside the building and force four floors of executives to share one set of bathrooms. But when you try to take away the yoga pants, shit’s gonna get real. Just you wait.

4 Comments

  1. Ms. Gloria Marie

    January 29, 2013 at 5:33 am

    We had a high school principal bashing a girl on tv and local newspapers because she was showing off her thong under her low-waist jeans. What a pity, huh? 😉
    But, you know, we have the Vatican.

    • Ken

      February 2, 2013 at 10:15 am

      I can’t help but think there are better uses of one’s time than suppressing a woman’s right to the awesome thong-and-yoga-pants combo.

  2. Pingback: SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: THE TEN PEOPLE WE WILL ALWAYS WANT TO SLEEP WITH | DigBoston

  3. Pingback: Thanks, Women in Yoga Pants, For Ruining Everything | Ken & Ariel | Active Wear

Leave a Reply