The Four Types of Women I Am Always Going to Want to Sleep With

Women Who Wear Glasses: Maybe I’ve had one too many “taught a lesson by the evil but smoking hot librarian” fantasies in my youth, but there is something about a woman in glasses that gets my loins all kindsa jumpy. Mostly because, yeah, I like to think that behind that scholarly look lurks an insatiable sex drive. Unfortunately, I have yet to prove this; to date, I’ve only been with three women who wore glasses and none of them seemed any randier than the women I’ve slept with who don’t wear them. But when I scan a bar or party or the line-up of soccer moms at the local playground, it’s the ones in glasses who get the immediate seal of approval from my pecker.

Women With Arm Tattoos: Is it because they evoke that eternally sexy “rock and roll” image? Nah, it’s probably just because I was an art school wank in my younger days and all the creative art-chicks I longed for either had them or spent the better part of their days designing them. I find them positively alluring. If the women who have them are into dry humping and cheap booze, even better.

Women Who Drink Beer: There’s a lot to be said about a woman at a bar slowly working a martini or gin and tonic. But I’d rather log quality time with girls who swig generously from bottles of cheap beer whilst dancing, bowling, bitching about the Red Sox or arguing with her sorority sisters over who gives the better blow job (hey, it’s my fantasy). This is not to be confused with “Women Who Get Drunk and Horny Quickly,” as these women often frighten me, mostly because of how quickly they become “Women Who Pull a Knife On Me Back at My Place” or “Women Who Lure Me to a Back Alley Where Their Biker-Gang Boyfriends Wait to Roll Me.” That said, I do find beer breath terribly sexy. Also sexy: when she pours Pabst Blue Ribbon down her back and asks me to drink it out of her ass. Unless it’s my grandmother doing it.

Women with Big, Round Asses: Anyone with even passing familiarity with this blog knows of my weakness for the female derriere. But not all asses are created equal. If it looks like I won’t be able to hear the radio when she’s sitting on my face, she’s the one for me. Thank you, and good night.

1 Comment

  1. Suzyn

    December 27, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I am all of those things. Come get it.

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