Q: Are you a real couple?
A: A real couple of what?
Q: I enjoy your blog. Will you have sex with me?
A: There is a distinct possibility that we may already have had sex with you. Check your records first. Then we’ll chat.
Q: Will you answer my question if I send it to you?
A: Yes. What you must realize, however, is that everything you hear in this life must be taken with a grain of salt and run through your own personal “awareness processor.” Also, we like questions that include the words “seductress,” “moonbeam” and “Vida Blue.”
Q: How long does it take you to respond to a question?
A: Depends. If a reader sends us a four-page diatribe on why her boyfriend won’t take her to the Big Apple Circus when she knows damn well he took his ex AND her Mom to the show, like twice or some shit, then it will likely take us a day to digest her material and formulate an appropriate response. On the other hand, if, say, Ariel asks Ken if he’d like her to sit on his face, she can expect an answer in about 3 seconds.
Q: That was about me wasn’t it? Someone told you that shit about me and my ex and the fight we had over the Big Apple Circus.
A: No. Honestly. We’re speaking hypothetically.
Q: I don’t trust you.
A: You’re learning, my friend. You’re learning.
Q: My god, you fool. I’m in love. Can I call you?
A: How ’bout just an e-mail at this stage. Hit us up; we’ll make it all better.
Q: I thought I read somewhere that Ariel had some sort of “ass enhancement” surgery. True?
A: Ariel’s derriere is the product of a stringent exercise regiment, eating correctly, and two hours a day on the “butt blaster” at Gold’s Gym in West Hollywood. Sometimes, perfection can be achieved the natural way, dude.